by Caroline

fannishbean@gmail.com

Summary: There's a whole lotta talking in this fic. Talking and drinking. But it also contains a gay fucking rampage.

Warnings: For the squeamish among you: this story contains some frank talk. All right? You've been warned.

Acknowledgments: Helen tossed this around with me more than a year ago. She helped write a couple of scenes while we were chatting--I've shamelessly stolen some of her lines. I'm sure she wanted the story to go in a different direction, though. In fact, I distinctly remember her saying, "You know, this fight is not going in the good, Dan giving Casey poor but enthused head way I was planning." Sorry, Helen.



* * * *

"Hey, Jeremy?" Casey leaned over Jeremy's desk.

Jeremy looked up. "Yeah?"

"Um..." Casey looked around. "Do you think we could talk?"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I mean..." Casey cleared his throat. "After the show. Someplace quiet."

"Sure," Jeremy said. He gave Casey a level look. "Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Fine." Casey nodded, and backed away. "Fine."

"Okay," Jeremy said.

He shrugged and went back to work.

* * * *

"So..." Jeremy said, meeting Casey coming out of wardrobe. "Someplace quiet?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

"So not Anthony's."

Casey shook his head. "There's a pub near your place, isn't there? Pretty quiet?"

"Right," Jeremy said. "They call it a tavern, though."

"Okay," Casey said.

* * * *

"I have to say," Jeremy said, "this is all very mysterious."

Casey smiled wryly and scratched his temple. "Well, okay. Here's the thing."

"Yeah?"

Casey took a deep breath, licked his lips, then let it out. "You know, I really need a beer. You want a beer?"

Jeremy laughed. "Okay," he said, a little bemused.

"Black and tan all right?"

"Fine," Jeremy said.

He watched Casey walk up to the bar. He shook his head, then drummed his thumbs against the table.

"All right," Casey said, returning.

"All right," Jeremy said.

"Here's the thing." Casey took a long drink.

"The thing," Jeremy affirmed.

"Well." Casey took another drink. "I wasn't really sure who to talk about this with, actually. I mean, whom. Anyway. I think it just would have been too embarrassing with Isaac. And Dana's a really old friend, and I think she could be really supportive, but she could also...just take it the wrong way. Very wrong. And, well, I figure you're a very tolerant guy... You know, liberal in your views..."

Jeremy nodded. "I'd consider myself a good bleeding-heart case."

"Right," Casey said. He pursed his lips, then said, "It's come to my attention recently that, ah...I'm...pretty much...gay."

"Oh," Jeremy said. He took a drink. "Is this a new development?"

Casey sighed. "No. It's always been there. I just didn't really...realize it before."

"Ah," Jeremy said. "Repression makes the world go round."

"Mm."

Jeremy took another drink, then squinted at Casey. "You didn't bring me here to hit on me, did you?"

"Oh, no. No," Casey said. He caught himself and quickly said, "I mean, it's not that you're not attractive--"

"Oh, I know," Jeremy said. "You're attractive too. It's just that I'm, you know, straight. And also Natalie would have my balls."

"Yeah." He bit his lip. "So..." He fiddled with his coaster. "Gay. That's me."

"Well, hey, Casey."

"Hm?"

"How come you're telling me? Why aren't you telling your old friend Dan? He's a lot more liberal than I am."

Casey shrugged. "Yeah, politically. But personally, he can be kind of...conservative."

"I don't really know that that's--"

"No, he can be. It's complicated."

"Yeah?" Jeremy said sympathetically.

Casey looked over Jeremy's shoulder and said steadily, "I find Dan attractive."

"And, ah...not in an aesthetic way, simply acknowledging that he's a good-looking man."

Casey laid his arm on the table and flopped his head down on it. "I want Dan," he mumbled.

Jeremy winced. "Well, that could be awkward."

Casey didn't lift his head. "I knoooow..." he whined.

Jeremy narrowed his eyes. "Casey, are you whining?"

"No," Casey said, his voice muffled.

"Why don't you just talk to Dan? He's a nice guy."

Casey shook his head against his arm. "There are so many ways that could end badly."

"You really should tell him."

"I don't wanna," Casey mumbled.

"Casey, sit up," Jeremy said.

Casey inhaled deeply, then did as Jeremy said.

"Here's what I don't get," Casey said. "Aren't I supposed to have better taste in music than I do? Shouldn't I be able to dress snappily?"

Jeremy laughed. "Casey, I don't think realizing that you're gay means you have to conform to cultural stereotypes."

"I guess," Casey said.

"Besides, I don't know that worshipping Barbara Streisand would really constitute better taste in music, anyway."

Casey smiled.

"I just..." he said. "I don't even know how to *be* gay."

"Well..." Jeremy looked thoughtful. "Just be yourself."

"I thought I *was* being myself, and it turns out I was repressing. I don't know how to be myself."

"Um..." Jeremy tilted his head. "You know, they write books about this sort of problem. There's probably a _Being Gay for Dummies_."

"I know," Casey said. "Well, not about the _For Dummies_ book, but they have a whole section at Borders. I had to try to scope it out from over in the travel section. I felt like everyone was looking at me."

Jeremy touched Casey's hand. "Look, do you want me to buy some books for you?"

"Really?" Casey asked.

"Sure," Jeremy said. "I'll help you find some sites on the Internet, too."

"Really?" Casey repeated. He wrinkled his brow in thought. "There's a way for you to delete what sites you've visited from your computer's memory, right?"

Jeremy smiled. "Yeah. I'll show you how to do that."

Casey punched Jeremy's shoulder lightly. "You're a pal!"

"Happy to help," Jeremy said.

"Um," Casey said. "You'll keep this on the...lowdown, won't you?"

Jeremy paused. "Isn't that 'down low'?"

Casey shrugged exaggeratedly. "I have no idea."

Jeremy snorted. "Me neither."

Casey laughed. "We are *so* uncool."

Jeremy laughed too, agreeing. He sighed. "Well, that's what I've got Natalie for."

"Yeah, that's what I need. I gotta find me someone cool to fill in this gap in my life."

Jeremy shrugged. "Dan's cool," he reminded Casey.

Casey held up his hand. "Don't...start."

* * * *

Jeremy knocked on Casey's door, a backpack slung over his shoulder.

"Hey," Casey said, letting him in.

"I got the stuff," Jeremy said in a bad accent.

"What're you--?" Casey started. "Are you trying to do Peter Lorre?"

"They stopped me on the street," Jeremy continued. "I told them I was een-ocent. Een-ocent!"

Casey laughed. "Don't make fun of me, all right?"

"Okay," Jeremy said in his normal voice.

"I'm in a very vulnerable position," Casey told him.

"Okay," Jeremy said. He smirked.

"Yeah, yeah, shut up. What'd you get?"

Jeremy nodded decisively. "The stuff." He dropped the backpack on a small table near the door and unzipped it. "This is _The Gay Man...ual_. It takes a very humorous approach, but it's got some practical advice in it."

"Wait a minute, you read it?"

"Well, I browsed. I had to make sure I wasn't buying you crappy books."

"You just stood there in the aisle and read it in front of God and everybody?"

Jeremy nodded. "I believe I was even 'cruised' a couple of times."

Casey laughed. "'Cruised.'"

"See? I'm pickin' up on the lingo. You'll soon be able to do the same."

"You realize this is ludicrous, don't you?" Casey said.

"I don't know," Jeremy said. "You know how when we were kids and the girls went to the auditorium and the boys went to the gym and they explained everything to us? This is just an extension of that sex education, covering the ground they didn't get to."

"Yeah, I can just see how that would've gone over," Casey said. "The P.E. teacher standing in front of the bleachers, saying, 'When a man and a man love each other very much...'"

"Heh," Jeremy said. "Ah, speaking of which..." He pulled out two more books. "_The Joy of Gay Sex_ and _The Gay Kama Sutra_. I mean, I don't know how much you'll need these, it's, um, none of my business..." Jeremy stammered.

Casey's head bobbed as he nodded and took the two books, placing them under the first one. He adjusted _The Gay Man...ual_ to fully cover the title of _The Gay Kama Sutra_. "Great," he said.

Jeremy cleared his throat. "And then I got these on gay history, culture, politics. You know, so you can get in touch with your roots."

"Thanks," Casey said, adding them to the stack.

"There were also some books on coming out, but I figured by the time you were ready for those, you'd be able to buy them yourself."

"Good thinking," Casey said.

He slid the books over slightly to peek at the cover of _The Gay Kama Sutra_. "I'll just...look at these later."

Jeremy's mouth twitched. "Right." He adjusted his glasses. "So you want some help on the Internet?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

* * * *

"Oh my *God*. Oh my...awww, *man*! Get that off the screen! Get it off!"

Jeremy was giggling.

"Delete that from the Web history! Jesus!"

Jeremy was still laughing.

"How could he even... Is he *eating* that?"

"Look, we'll use a different search engine, okay?"

"*Uckk*."

Jeremy snickered.

* * * *

"Dan?"

Dan paused the tape he was watching. "Jeremy."

"Hey," Jeremy said, sitting down on the desk, next to the monitor.

"Hey," Dan said. He raised his eyebrows expectantly.

Jeremy smoothed his hands over his thighs. "I think you need to talk to Casey."

"About what?"

"I'm not really at liberty to say," Jeremy said.

Dan narrowed his eyes. "Can you be any more cryptic?"

"Look, in good conscience, I can tell you that you need to talk with him, but I can't divulge any details."

Dan pursed his lips. "Is Casey okay?"

"Oh, yeah, he's okay. You should just talk to him."

"About what?"

"He'll tell you."

"Give me a hint."

"Look, just do that hounding thing you do."

"*Hounding*?" Dan said. "I do not hound."

"Dan, I have to tell you, you do indeed hound."

"I have never hounded in my life, my young friend, and I am insulted that you would suggest--"

Jeremy held up his hands. "Whatever you want to call it. Just...work your magic. Get him to talk to you."

Dan shrugged. "All right, Jeremy."

"Okay."

"Thanks for stopping by."

"Yeah," Jeremy said.

Dan unpaused the machine, rewound it a little bit, then resumed taking notes.

* * * *

"Hang back a sec," Dan said as Casey started out of their office.

"Yeah?" Casey said.

Dan got two beers out of the little refrigerator. He twisted off the caps and handed a bottle to Casey.

"Good show tonight," he said.

"Indeed," Casey said, clinking bottles with him.

Dan settled into a chair. Casey shrugged, and sat down on the couch.

"So," Dan said. "Jeremy said I should talk to you."

"Really."

"Yep," Dan said. He took a swig of beer.

"Did Jeremy say anything else?"

"Oh no," Dan said. "He was very careful about that."

"Well, that's good, at least," Casey said. "I won't have to kill him then."

"Hm?"

"Maybe just maim him..." Casey mused.

"He told me to 'hound' you," Dan said.

"Oh God," Casey groaned. "The hound has been unleashed."

"What is that?" Dan said. "I do not hound."

"Dan--"

"So, c'mon, tell me what it is."

Casey rolled his eyes.

"Answer me this," Dan said. "Is it bigger than a breadbox?"

Casey smirked.

"Casey, I am prepared to wait here all night."

Casey shook his head. "Well, you're gonna be waiting alone then, Dan, 'cause--"

Dan raised his hand. "Don't take a step. I will wrestle you to the ground if need be."

Casey let out a single laugh.

"You know I can do it," Dan said.

"You want to know what it is," Casey said.

"Yes I do."

"You really do."

"I really really do."

"You really really-- I'm gay."

"Oh." Dan blinked several times. He stood up. "You told *Jeremy* this before you told me?"

"Oh come on, Dan, don't get pissy."

Dan sat back down. "'Pissy.' First 'hounding,' and now 'pissy.' Where are you getting these character traits?"

"Dan, think about it. The stakes are higher telling you. I had to practice first."

"You practice on *me*," Dan said. "I'm your sounding board. Jeremy's not your sounding board."

"Yes, but I don't shower next to Jeremy in the locker room. I don't share Jeremy's bed when I'm too drunk to go home."

"Oh, well." Dan waved his hand dismissively. "It's not like you were secretly lusting for me the whole time."

Casey looked up at the ceiling.

There was a pause.

"Ohhhh," Dan said.

Casey covered his face with his hands. "I feel like I'm thirteen years old."

Dan shook his head and came over to sit next to him. "No, it makes sense."

Casey lowered his hands. "Danny, this is serious."

"I'm *being* serious," Dan said. "I'm a *very* attractive man."

"You know what, I *am* going to have to kill Jeremy."

Dan stroked his chin. "This explains a lot about your marriage, actually..."

"Please don't analyze my marriage, Dan."

"Mkay," Dan said. He tapped the arm of the couch a couple of times. "What was all that with Dana, then?"

"That was weird," Casey admitted. "I have, in the past, felt myself drawn to Dana. There's a...quirkiness to her that's attractive. I mean, she's *so* competent, and then she can be *so* ditzy."

Dan laughed. "Remember her photography hobby?"

"That's what I'm sayin'. And we know each other well. I like that. And she's fun."

"Except when she's being psycho," Dan interjected.

"Right," Casey said. "And sometimes when she is."

"You're a fucking masochist, Casey."

"Maybe, but I don't want to talk about that right now."

Dan shrugged. "All right."

"The thing with Dana was... I think it was really more about possessiveness than attraction. I'd counted on her being attracted to me for so long, and I didn't want to give that up. When I thought about her... Well, this is kind of passing into the realm of 'too much information.'"

Dan shook his head. "No such thing, buddy. Cough it up."

Casey sighed. "When I thought about her--and I did think about her a lot--it was never really in a sexual context. I mean, the thought would occur to me, images would flit through my head, but it...didn't do anything for me."

"But picturing having sex with me does do it for you."

"Aw, man, Danny, I might be a masochist, but I'm not having this conversation."

"Fair enough." Dan drank some more beer. "Dude, now I'm picturing you and Dana having sex."

"That do it for you?" Casey asked.

Dan laughed. "Not in the slightest."

"So, um," Casey said. "That's what I was supposed to tell you."

"All right," Dan said. He stood up and extended a hand to Casey, pulling him up too. "I am taking you home."

"You're taking me home?"

"Yes I am. And we're going to drink the single-malt whiskey I gave you and talk about this a lot more."

"What do you mean, 'a lot more'? We just talked about it."

Dan shook his head. "That's not how it works, Casey. You know I'm a woman."

Casey considered this. "You know, that would solve a lot of my problems right there."

Dan snickered. "Oh, well, I'm a lesbian, if I'm a woman. But, as a woman, I'm going to have to have us analyze this situation from every angle."

Casey sighed. "I'm tired."

"That's why I'm taking you home," Dan said. "C'mon, partner."

Casey shook his head. "Jeremy is a dead man."

* * * *

Dan held his tumbler up and turned it slowly in his hand. "This is really good whiskey."

Casey stretched all the way out on the couch. "You gave it to me, Dan."

"I know," Dan said. "I'm just sayin', I give really good gifts."

"It's not bad," Casey allowed.

"All right," Dan said. He let one leg slip off the ottoman and swung it gently. "I'm curious about something."

"Really, Danny?" Casey said. "My surprise verges on shock."

Dan lifted his upper lip, baring his teeth to Casey. "Am I allowed to ask?" he asked politely.

"Can I stop you?" Casey returned.

"I got the impression, from Sally and Pixley and that other girl, who also had a too-cute name, that she worsened by spelling it in some godawful way..."

"You mean Phreddiey."

"Yes!" Dan said. "'Freddie' with a 'ph,' right?"

"I think so," Casey said. "I think she mangled the ending too."

"Okay, anyway, with them, I got the impression that they weren't...unsatisfied. And I don't want to know what it was like with Lisa, but I do know you got her with child."

"Yes," Casey said.

"So what does that have to do with being gay?"

"Well." Casey cracked his toes. He'd taken off his shoes and socks. "Over the years, I have developed skills."

"Uh-huh," Dan said.

"I mean, I know what to do with a woman," Casey said. "And I can...perform. But that's what it feels like, like I'm performing."

"I see," Dan said.

"Really?" Casey said.

Dan smiled. "Sort of." He filled up his and Casey's glasses. "Does that mean you don't enjoy sex with a woman?"

Casey shrugged. "Well, of course it *feels* good. Physically. But something's just...off. It feels unnatural."

"Hm," Dan said.

"And really," Casey said, "that's what made it kind of a relief to figure out I was gay. Here I was, wondering what was wrong with me that I couldn't let go and really enjoy sex, and it turns out I've just been having sex with the wrong people."

"I'm trying to relate here, man," Dan said. "I *love* sex with women."

"Don't I know it," Casey said.

"Okay, so you're saying that sex with men does feel natural, it feels right."

"Well..." Casey blushed.

Dan smiled. "It's okay. You don't have to tell me the details."

Casey shifted on the couch.

Dan took a thoughtful drink. "Ah, Casey, I don't mean any offense by this, but..."

Casey raised his eyebrows. "Yeah?"

"I'm not that sure you're gay."

Casey sat up. "What do you mean?"

"I think it makes sense that sex with women doesn't feel entirely natural to you."

"Right," Casey said. "Because I'm gay."

"No," Dan said. "Because the women you've had sex with were either manipulative bitches or bimbos. Of course you felt like something was missing."

"You're saying I just haven't found the right woman yet?"

"Well--" Dan said.

"You're so fucking condescending it defies belief."

"Look, I don't mean it like that," Dan said. "But I think you're just catching up on your experimentation phase. You're a little old for it, sure, but there's nothing wrong with that."

"I'm not *experimenting*, Dan," Casey said. "This isn't a *phase*. I want men. I have dreams about it and everything."

"Maybe you do, Casey, but I don't think that means you're gay. I think your power to convince yourself of something, your capacity for self-deception, is very strong."

Casey narrowed his eyes. "Are you sure you're not projecting there, Danny?"

Dan held up his hands. "I'm just sayin', Casey, don't go building yourself a closet just yet."

Casey leaned forward, towards Dan. "Can I suck you?" he said huskily.

"What?" Dan said. "No!"

He stood up.

"Why not?" Casey said.

Dan blinked down at him. "Look, Casey, I wasn't trying to dare you into proving your homosexuality to me."

"I know," Casey said. "I just--"

Dan crouched in front of him. "You're confused right now," he said seriously. "And you want to mess around, but you don't know what to do, so you're asking me because we've known each other a long time, and I seem like a safe choice."

Casey waited for him to finish. "Wouldn't it be easier for me to go find someone to whom I had no ties, so I wouldn't have to worry about the morning after?"

Dan stood up again and shrugged. "Maybe, theoretically, but you don't get out a lot."

Casey sat back on the couch and looked up at him. "Come on, Dan, why not? It wouldn't mean anything."

Dan gave him an incredulous look.

"You would enjoy it," Casey went on, "I would enjoy it..."

"Why would *you* enjoy it?" Dan said.

"Because I want to suck your dick, Dan. I would like it."

"This is very strange," Dan said.

"Haven't you ever thought about it?" Casey asked. "When I've won some award you've been nominated for? Me on my knees, getting you off?"

"Okay, that's it," Dan said. He pointed at Casey. "You're cut off." He gathered the tumblers and bottle of whiskey and carried them to the kitchen.

"Dan..." Casey said.

Dan came back with a glass of water. "Drink this. Get some sleep."

Casey took the glass. "You're not driving, are you?"

"No, I'm gonna go downstairs and call a cab. Pick me up tomorrow morning, all right?"

Casey took a sip. "Why?"

"Because my car's here, dumbass."

"Oh. Right."

"Okay," Dan said. "Here are my keys. See you tomorrow."

"Bye," Casey said.

* * * *

After a couple of "hey"s, they rode in to work in silence.

They took the elevator up together in silence.

Dan headed into their office, while Casey stayed in the newsroom, scanning the vicinity.

He caught Jeremy's eye, and drew his finger across his throat. Jeremy came up to him and let himself be pulled into a quiet corner.

"What?" he said.

"You released the hound, Jeremy," Casey said. "And for that, you shall have to pay."

"So you talked to Dan," Jeremy said.

"Oh, I talked to Dan," Casey said. "He kept me up all night, analyzing it from every angle."

"Why?" Jeremy said.

"Because he's a woman, Jeremy."

Jeremy smiled a little. "You know, that would solve your problem right there--"

"Shut up," Casey said.

"So it was awkward," Jeremy said.

"Yeah, it was a little fucking awkward," Casey whispered loudly.

"What'd he do?" Jeremy asked.

"He told me I was confused and that it was a phase."

Jeremy compressed his lips. "Oh."

"'Oh'? 'Oh'? That's it?"

"You were right," Jeremy said. "He is kind of conservative concerning personal matters."

"Yes, I know that, Jeremy," Casey said.

"Well, but look," Jeremy said. "At least it's...out, you know?"

Casey shook his head. "Don't use that word."

"Sure," Jeremy said.

"Look, you're not going to send anyone else to talk to me about this, are you?"

"No, no," Jeremy said.

"You're keeping it on the lowdown."

"I checked with Natalie," Jeremy said. "It's 'down low.'"

"Really."

"Yeah. 'DL.'"

"Okay," Casey said.

* * * *

"Hey, Dan."

"Yeah," Dan said to his computer screen.

"Do you know what 'DL' means?"

"'Disabled list'?" He typed a few more words. "What's the context?" He looked up at Casey.

"As in, 'don't tell anyone; keep it on the DL.'"

"It means 'down low,'" Dan said. He propped his legs up on his desk and leaned back, his hands interlocked behind his head. "You didn't know that?"

"No," Casey said. "How did you know that?"

"Hey, it's what I'm here for, Case," Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey said. "As long as you know your place." He settled down to write.

* * * *

Casey leaned across the table. They had the booth to themselves. Dana and Chris were a couple of tables over, in an increasingly heated argument about the Alien and Sedition Act. Will and Dave were goading them. Natalie, in between saying, "But guys, that's all in the *past*," was playing footsie with Jeremy. Jeremy wasn't saying anything much at all. Kim, at the bar, seemed on the edge of departure with a young man who looked like he'd do well in track and field events.

"I'm worried about Charlie," Casey said.

Dan leaned forward too, to hear him better. "How come?"

"He's been going around singing a song that contains the lyrics 'shut your fucking face, uncle-fucker.'"

"'Uncle-fucka.'"

"What?"

"'Uncle-fucka.' Not 'fucker.'"

Casey paused. "You know this song?"

Dan drank from his Manhattan. "Yep."

Casey leaned back. "But I can rest assured that he did not learn this song from you."

Dan nodded. "Rest assured."

Casey stared at him.

"You've heard of the TV show 'South Park,' right?" Dan said.

"Of course. The cartoon. 'You killed Kenny, you bastards.' Of course."

"That's the one."

"See, I'm hip," Casey said.

"You certainly are," Dan said. "Tell me this: did you hear about it from _Newsweek_?"

"So what?" Casey said defensively.

"Never mind," Dan said. "The point is, a movie was based on the television show, and it featured the song 'Shut Your Fucking Face, Uncle-Fucka.'"

"...That hardly sounds suitable for children."

Dan shrugged. "It was rated R."

"So then how does Charlie know this song?"

"From his friends, probably."

"But none of his friends are seventeen or older."

"Hey, I'm his friend," Dan said.

"Yes, but I can rest assured you had nothing to do with this," Casey said.

"That's true," Dan said. "Actually, that's what the movie's about. These third-graders want to see an R-rated movie, and sneak in, and learn all sorts of filthy language from it, and there's a big hullabaloo. War. The apocalypse."

Casey considered this. "So it's really a sophisticated meta-commentary."

"Right," Dan said. "Especially if by 'sophisticated' you mean 'crude and vulgar.'"

"Okay, meta-commentary or no, what am I supposed to do about it?"

Dan shrugged again. "You could always watch it, to see what it's about, and then have a nice father-son chat about it."

"You think that'll work?" Casey said uncertainly.

"Sure," Dan said. "Tell you what. I'll pick it up at the rental store, we can watch it at my place on Friday."

Casey looked at him. "That's how you want to spend your Friday night?"

"Yeah, it's a funny movie. We can make a game out of it. We'll have to take a drink every time someone says 'fuck.'"

"You're not going to make me do shots again, are you?" Casey asked warily.

"No, no," Dan said. "We'd get alcohol poisoning. Just beer."

"Okay," Casey said.

"We are wild and crazy men, Case."

"That we are."

* * * *

Casey flopped on the couch.

Dan looked up. "You still stuck on that thing about the Mets?"

"I am not stuck," Casey said.

"Why aren't you writing it?" Dan said.

"For your information, I am waiting for Thomas to bring me the research that is necessary to my writing that 'thing,' as you call it."

"Thomas?" Dan asked. "You mean Tom the intern?"

"He prefers to be called Thomas."

"No, he doesn't."

"He prefers to be called Thomas."

"I always call him Tom," Dan said.

"I know. He hates you."

"He likes me very much. I am a likable person."

"You don't know his name," Casey said.

"What research could Thomas possibly bring you that you need? You just have to sit down and write it."

"You will see when I receive the research, and you will be stunned by my brilliance."

"How are you even going to incorporate what you've learned from all this research?" Dan asked. "You're only getting forty seconds. Many of those seconds will probably be taken up with just your gesticulating."

"You'll see."

"You're not getting any of my seconds, I'll tell you that much."

"I don't need your seconds."

"Fine."

Casey sighed. "I need to get laid."

Dan raised his eyebrows. "So go get laid." He gestured to the office. "Not right now, I mean, in the middle of the workday, but tonight. After the show. Getcha something."

"It's not that easy, though. I don't know how to pick people up."

Dan tilted his chair back. "You don't need lines or anything. Just make eye contact with someone, smile; if they smile back, walk over and start talking. Touch the small of their back for a second when you lean over to get a napkin. Buy 'em another drink when theirs gets low."

"I don't know that that works for me," Casey said, on his back, tossing a baseball in the air.

Dan sighed. "I can sympathize, actually. I'm not seeing a lot of action myself lately. I mean, I'm infinitely charming and appealing--"

"I know," Casey said, tossing the ball.

Dan rolled his eyes. "Look, maybe you can't appreciate it, but women do find me infinitely--"

"No, I do appreciate it," Casey said, switching to his left hand.

"Oh yeah, that's right," Dan said. "Anyway--"

"Right now, for example," Casey said. "I am entranced."

"Shut up," Dan said. "My point is, I can't always summon the necessary concentration for flirting, for--"

"Thinking about anyone besides yourself?"

"That is not what I would have said," Dan replied.

There was a moment of silence.

"Although it is true," Dan said.

Casey laughed.

"Hence the watching a cartoon movie with me Friday night?" he asked.

"Pretty much," Dan said.

Thomas came in, holding some papers. "Uh, Casey?"

Casey sat up. "Oh, thanks, Thomas," he said, accepting them.

"Hey Thomas," Dan said.

Thomas smiled brilliantly at him, flashing white teeth. "Hey Daniel."

Dan laughed when he left. "That's a weird kid."

"Mm," Casey said, reading the papers. "Kind of cute, though."

"Well, go snag 'im!" Dan exclaimed.

"Fuck off," Casey said absently.

Dan snickered.

"Very fair skin," Casey said, shuffling the papers. "Probably bruises easily."

"Whoa," Dan said. "What is *that* supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Casey said. He got up and sat at his desk. He looked up to see Dan staring at him. "What? Nothing."

Dan chewed his lip. "Am I gonna have to write the Mets thing for you?"

"No," Casey said. He stared at his monitor.

* * * *

"No, wait," Dan said, laughing. "He said 'fuckity-fuckfuckfuck.' You have to take four drinks." He wiped his chin.

"'Fuckity' counts as a 'fuck'?"

"Yes, yes," Dan said. "Just like 'fucka.'"

"Okay," Casey said, gulping.

"Drink again," Dan said. "For ten seconds."

"Why?" Casey said.

"General principles."

The game eventually ended.

"I'm not sure what to make of that movie," Casey said.

Dan slowly moved his lower lip up and down with his finger. "Well, it was funny, right?"

"Well, funny and very, very gross," Casey said. "I feel pretty strongly that I don't want my child to have seen it."

"So talk to him about the moral of the movie."

"The moral?" Casey said blankly.

"Yeah, about how parents are supposed to watch out for their kids, and pay attention to them, and not blame movies or Canada or whatever for things they do wrong. And tell him about how he shouldn't curse in front of people who might be offended by it."

"It occurs to me that I'm receiving this advice from someone who has no children of his own," Casey said.

"That he knows of," Dan added.

"That he knows--what?"

"I'm joking," Dan said. "But I do remember being a kid, so, you know, my opinion should count for something."

"Well, would that have worked on you, when you were a kid?"

"Ah, probably not," Dan said. "But I would've been the one teaching all the other kids the 'Uncle-fucka' song in the first place. Charlie's a much better kid than I was."

"Okay," Casey said. He drained the last of his bottle. "But I don't want him to have already found out what the clitoris is."

"Why not? Better too soon than too late. He's gonna have to know at some point," Dan said. "Unless, of course--"

"What?" Casey said.

"Nothing," Dan said. "Just, you know, unless he's--" He held his hand out flat and tilted it back and forth.

"Charlie's not gay," Casey said. "I'm gay."

"Okay," Dan said. "I mean, it's supposed to be genetic, but--"

"Charlie's not gay," Casey said.

"Okay," Dan said. "Anyway, what's wrong with him knowing what the clitoris is? You don't have objections to other parts of the anatomy, do you? It's okay if he knows about the ulna, right?"

Casey paused. "It depends. Where's the ulna?"

Dan rolled his eyes, leaned over, and tapped Casey on the arm. "Right there."

"Oh yeah," Casey said. "I knew that."

Dan snorted around his mouthful of beer.

"I do know that," Casey said. "I'm just drunk."

"So," Dan said. "You're still gay?"

"Uh, yeah, Dan."

"Just checking."

"Well, I am."

"What'd you think of Big Gay Al?"

"Well..." Casey said, formulating his answer. "I thought it was pretty funny that the enlisted men were so enthusiastic about him..."

"Uh-huh," Dan said. "Did Saddam Hussein get you hot, with his dildos and everything?"

"I'm gonna be offended in a second here, Danny."

"Sorry," Dan said.

"No, really," Casey said, his voice rising a little. "If you'd watched this with Isaac, would you ask whether he'd feel at home in 'Operation: Get Behind the Darkies'?"

"That's not funny, Casey," Dan said.

"I wasn't trying to be funny."

It was quiet for a moment.

"So did you notice what it said on Big Gay Al's accompanist's piano?" Dan asked.

Casey thought. "No."

"Felcher & Sons."

Casey opened another bottle of beer. "So what?"

Dan looked at him. "You don't know what felching is?"

"No..."

"Heh," Dan said. "Well, you're not going to find out from *me*."

"No, what is it?"

"Ask Kim. She'll tell you." Dan laughed. "Or slap you."

"Now I'm curious," Casey said.

"Don't worry about it, man."

"Seriously, what if someone asks me to do this?"

"Say no, Casey. Without hesitation."

"Dan..."

"No, really, if you're practicing safe sex, it shouldn't even come up."

Casey took a long drink. "You realize my imagination is running rampant."

"Yeah. It's good for the cognitive faculties."

Casey stood up. "I've really gotta piss."

Dan made a face. "So do I, now that you mention it."

"I called it," Casey said, heading down the hallway.

Dan followed him into the bathroom.

"What is this?" Casey said, his zipper down.

"Hurry up hurry up!" Dan said.

Casey laughed and pulled out his dick. He sighed as he let out a steady stream.

Dan crossed his legs, then jumped up and down.

"You could always go in the sink, man," Casey said.

"That's *my* sink, asshole," Dan said. "Hurry up."

Casey waggled his hips from side to side a little bit.

"Jesus, Casey!"

"Goin' as fast as I can, Danny."

"Go *faster*."

Dan jumped up and down some more.

Casey sighed and tilted his head back.

Dan groaned and crossed and uncrossed his legs.

Casey laughed as he tucked himself back in. "All yours, buddy."

"Thank you thank you," Dan said.

Casey snickered as he washed his hands, averting his eyes. "You're a spaz, you know that?"

"Whatever," Dan said. He rolled his neck.

Casey left him to it.

* * * *

Dan settled back on the couch, some space between him and Casey. He drank some more beer.

"I am at a very good place in terms of being drunk," he said.

"Yeah, me too," Casey said. "Everything's a little fuzzy."

"And yet--" Dan said, "--oh-so-clear. Aha."

"Yep," Casey said. He drew the syllable out, with a little explosion on the 'p.'

"The only problem," Dan said, "is the attendant horniness."

Casey nodded. "Know what you mean. Very warm over here."

Casually, Dan asked, "Did you still want to suck me?"

Casey set down his beer and turned to regard Dan. "Is this question more than academic?"

Dan nodded slowly. "Yeah."

Casey moved, knelt between Dan's open legs. Dan looked down at him, smoothing his hand over Casey's cheek. He opened his fly, pulled himself out, stroking himself, slowly becoming hard. Casey eased Dan's pants and boxers down his thighs, exposing him more completely.

Casey took a deep breath.

"You don't have to," Dan said quietly.

"I want to," Casey said.

His eyes half-closed, Casey leaned in. He opened his mouth and rested his lips around the head. Slowly, he drew back, then did it again, this time dragging his tongue against the skin. He mouthed the tip, moving his head minutely side to side.

Dan threaded his fingers through Casey's hair. Casey took more of Dan's cock into his mouth, starting to breathe heavily. Dan sighed, shifted on the couch, opened his legs a little wider.

Casey glanced up at him, then turned his gaze back downwards. He suddenly plunged farther in, taking the length of Dan's cock into his throat. Dan gasped. His hips bucked up slightly, then he checked the motion. They were still for several seconds. Casey's breath rattled noisily through his nostrils; his nose was pressed against Dan's belly. Dan shifted again, a small movement.

Casey pulled back a little, his cheeks hollowing as he sucked. Dan slowly rolled his hips, humming softly, approving. Casey's head bobbed up and down, and Dan cupped the back of it, feeling where the skull sloped down to meet the neck.

Lapping against the underside of Dan's cock, Casey pulled back a little more, swirling his tongue around the head. Then he pulled off completely, looking up at Dan, his lips glistening.

"Hm?" Dan said.

Casey looked back down and leaned forward to suck Dan's balls into his mouth. He rolled them over his tongue as he worked Dan's cock with his hand.

"That's good," Dan said quietly, his fingertips resting on Casey's nape.

Casey gently released Dan, then craned his neck, burrowing farther between Dan's legs.

"Ah," Dan said as Casey pushed his tongue into his asshole. Dan spread his legs further. "I knew this girl who loved giving rimjobs..." he said slowly. He tipped his head back to rest against the couch. "It's been a long time, though..." He sighed.

He tilted his hips up, giving Casey better access, as Casey traced patterns with his tongue on the skin behind Dan's balls.

"You writing words down there?" Dan smiled.

"Western Conference players' free throw percentages," Casey mumbled.

"Mm." Dan closed his eyes. "That works," he said contentedly.

Casey licked with broader strokes now, gripping Dan's hip.

Dan groaned softly. He gently pushed himself against Casey's face. He could feel Casey's breath coming in pants against his skin.

Casey began to tease his hole again, and Dan screwed himself on Casey's tongue. Casey's mouth began to move with less deliberation now; he flicked his tongue more and more quickly, almost franticly.

Dan shakily pulled Casey's head away. Casey looked up at him, meeting his gaze, his nostrils flaring. Dan looked back at him, then closed his eyes as a spurt of pre-come trickled down his cock.

Casey bent his neck to lap at the sticky trail, pausing when he reached the tip of Dan's cock. He kissed it, then encircled it with his lips, pushing his tongue against the slit.

Dan inhaled sharply, and thrust hard into Casey's mouth. Casey let him, taking him into his throat. Dan canted his hips, trying to drive farther in, and Casey encouraged him, sucking hard, moving his tongue as best he could against the length of Dan's cock.

Dan twitched, and Casey pulled back to taste Dan spilling onto his tongue, and swallowed and swallowed.

Casey slowly drew off and brushed his cheek against Dan's cock, still mostly hard. He rested his forehead on Dan's thigh and shivered.

Dan petted his neck until he lifted his head. Dan did his pants up and smiled at him.

"Do you, uh...want...?" He made a vague gesture with his hand.

Casey shook his head and looked down at Dan's knees. He cleared his throat. "I already...ah..."

"Oh." Dan blinked. "...Want a clean pair of shorts?"

Casey smiled faintly and shook his head again, then pressed his face against Dan's fly. "This is so embarrassing," he muttered.

"No, hey, Casey," Dan said. He lifted Casey's chin so they were looking at each other. "Hey," Dan said softly. He leaned forward and kissed Casey's swollen lips gently. "It's just me."

He lay back on the couch and pulled Casey to lie on top of him. He kissed him again. "It's just me," he repeated.

Casey sighed and pressed small kisses along Dan's jaw. Dan enfolded him in his arms and met his lips.

"Danny..." Casey said quietly between kisses.

"Hm?"

Casey shook his head. "Nothing."

They lay on the couch, sharing leisurely kisses. Eventually Dan turned his head to the side. He could feel against his leg that Casey was hard again.

"I should..." he said, his voice trailing off. "Should get some sleep for tomorrow."

Casey nodded, and stood up. He tried to discreetly adjust himself.

Dan swung his legs down from the couch and sat up.

Casey nodded again. "I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Yeah," Dan said.

"Good night," Casey said.

He let himself out.

* * * *

Casey walked into the office to find Dan with his feet propped up on the desk, reading a _Sports Illustrated_.

"Hi," Casey said.

"Hello," Dan said absently. "This is crap, you know."

Casey gave him a sidelong look. "The, uh...?"

"This article," Dan said.

"Oh," Casey said. He walked over behind Dan's shoulder. "Oh, yeah, this one. They really should have let you write it."

"Oh well," Dan shrugged, tossing the magazine aside. "Their loss."

Dan pushed away from the desk and stood up.

"Danny?" Casey said.

Dan raised his eyebrows.

"We okay?"

Dan nodded decisively. "Yeah," he said. "We're good."

He patted Casey on the shoulder, then went off to get Natalie to agree about how bad the _Sports Illustrated_ article was.

"Danny!" Casey called.

Dan turned around, surprised. "Yeah?"

"Now I've got the 'Uncle-fucka' song stuck in my head."

Dan grinned at him over his shoulder as he started walking again. "It's catchy, isn't it?"

* * * *

Casey was kneeling in front of Dan's couch, looking up from Dan's dick. He licked his lips. "Is this... I mean, is it any good?"

Dan blinked at him. "Yeah, Casey," he said. "It's good."

Casey inclined his head and said a little embarrassedly, "It's just that, you know, I don't really--this is the fourth time I've ever done this."

Dan narrowed his eyes, looking off to the side, calculating. He looked back at Casey. "This is also the fourth time you've blown me."

"Yeah," Casey said.

Dan looked at him disbelievingly. "So you'd never had sex with a guy before you did me? And you've never had sex with anyone else?"

Casey shook his head. "Not guys, no."

"Jesus, Casey, how do you even know you're gay?"

"Because I'm attracted to men, Danny," Casey said patiently.

"Yeah, but if you'd never had sex with them--"

"Look, you knew you were straight before you ever had sex, right?"

"Sure," Dan said, "but everyone's straight by default. You have to have something happen to realize otherwise."

"Oh, that is such bullshit, Dan," Casey said.

Dan shook his head and said, "Okay, fine. Can we go back to that licking thing you had going?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

A little while later, Casey looked up again.

"Yeah?" Dan breathed out.

Casey's voice was rough. "Do you want to fuck me?"

Dan cleared his throat. "Um, no."

Casey bit his lower lip. "Okay," he said.

He quickly brought Dan off.

* * * *

"So you had Charlie this weekend?" Dan asked.

Casey kept sorting piles of papers on his desk and throwing various books and tchotchkes onto the couch. "Yep," he said.

"How's the young rascal doing?"

"Very well," Casey said, looking worriedly at an opened package that contained half a Twinkie. He dropped it into the garbage can and winced at the resulting clunk.

"Yeah?" Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey said, bringing a snow-globe paperweight into a slow softball pitch directed couch-wards. "It seems like he's getting a little more nervous than he usually is--"

"Which is kind of nervous already," Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey said. "But he's doing great at school. He had to do that project where you build a papier-mache mountain that spews simulated lava."

"Ah, the old volcano project!" Dan said. "I loved that project."

"Yeah, it seems his group won a prize for making the volcano that resulted in the most mayhem."

"The volcano project was a *group* project?" Dan asked.

"Yeah," Casey said, tossing some crumpled pieces of legal paper at the couch.

"What is the educational system coming to? In *my* day, we had to build them by ourselves."

"In *my* day," Casey said, heaving the first volume of _The Oxford English Dictionary_ to the couch to join its companion, "we had to build them out of real igneous rock that we created by collecting molten lava with our bare hands."

Dan took in the progress, if it could be called that, that Casey was making on the desk. "Dude, why are you throwing everything on the couch? You're just moving the mess from your desk over that way."

Casey shrugged. "I figure that'll be the problem of the next person who wants to use the couch."

Dan stared at him. "I'm gonna want to use that couch."

"There you go," Casey said.

Dan gave him a look, one that Casey completely missed, busy as he was flicking pistachio shells at the couch.

"So how did the 'Uncle-fucka' conversation go?" Dan asked.

"Heh," Casey said. "He was a little horrified that I had seen the movie. He seems to think I shouldn't know those words."

Dan snickered. "Ah, youth. Just wait a couple more years till he learns to fully appreciate the fact that you had to have had sex to produce him. He'll never look at you again without mentally cringing."

"That is not true," Casey said. "We have raised Charlie to understand that sex is a natural life process."

"Oh, that's great," Dan said.

"He knows it's nothing to be ashamed of. That realization you warn of won't bother him at all."

"Sure," Dan said. "Now do me a favor."

"Yeah?" Casey said, riffling through a stack of print-outs.

"Picture *your* parents having sex."

"Oh God, shut up!" Casey said. He threw the whiffle ball he'd just uncovered at Dan's head.

Dan looked down at the whiffle ball, which had just bounced off his cranium and onto the table in front of him. "Why was there a whiffle ball on the desk?" he asked calmly.

Casey gave Dan a look that indicated nothing could be more obvious. "Because of the thing--the golf thing--with Chris and Dave..."

"*What*?"

"Oh, right," Casey said. "You were off that day. Chris and Dave invented a golf-type game, except we used this whiffle ball, and the whiffle bat for a club. Isaac ended up winning, as I recall, with three under par."

"You only played it the once? How come I never got to play?" Dan asked.

Casey shrugged. "We couldn't find the whiffle ball."

Dan grumbled. "I could kick Isaac's *ass* at any golf-type game."

"Well, Dan," Casey said seriously, "this may be your chance."

"That's right," Dan said.

"Uh-huh..." Casey said, not looking up until he said, "Oh, hey, my keyboard," and held it aloft.

"You know, Isaac's been giving me these superior little looks ever since I had that day off. I knew it was something like this," Dan said.

Casey snorted and dropped the keyboard back onto the desk.

"The old man's got it coming to him..." Dan muttered.

"Found it!" Casey said.

Dan had gotten up and was practicing his swing. "What," he said, without looking towards Casey.

"My book," Casey said with a satisfied air. He sank into his seat. He propped the book up in front of him and opened it to the middle.

Dan did look up then.

Casey laughed at him. "You know, Danny, you don't do your double-take very often, but I always enjoy it when you do."

"Casey!" Dan hissed.

"What?" Casey asked.

"You know what, nimrod. '_Out For Good_'? Why do you have that at the office?"

"Because I like to read it while I'm eating my lunch," Casey said.

"You're not eating lunch," Dan said.

"I'm not hungry," Casey said.

"Casey--"

"I find it interesting, okay? I'd like to learn about the history of my people."

"'Your people'," Dan said. "Like, so you can go back to the old country, where they'll greet you with sequins and feather boas."

Casey rolled his eyes. "Danny--"

"Casey, you shouldn't be reading this...stuff," Dan said. "You're brainwashing yourself."

"I'm what?" Casey said.

"You're not even gay, Casey, and you're sitting here reading--"

"*Dan*," Casey said. He took a deep breath. "Do you want to read it? It's really good."

"Yes," Dan said. "Give it to me."

He walked over and took the book from Casey's hands. He walked back over to the other side of the room and locked it in the file cabinet.

Casey leaned back in his chair, looking at Dan. He set his jaw.

"How about we do some *work*," Dan said, sitting down.

Casey shrugged. "Fine."

* * * *

Casey broke away from Dan's mouth and gasped.

Dan murmured something indistinguishable and kissed the side of Casey's throat.

Casey shifted and pushed Dan away slightly.

"What?" Dan mumbled, his lips moving against Casey's jaw.

Casey took a deep breath and shook his head. "This is like being back in school, you know?"

"Huh?" Dan said.

"I mean," Casey said, scrubbing his hand through his hair, "I fool around, I have some fun, but, ultimately, all I have to show for the evening is blue balls."

"Ah," Dan said, nodding understandingly. He gave Casey an appraising look. "But you know this isn't school, right?"

"How do you mean?" Casey said.

"Well..." Dan said. He shrugged. "You can always jerk off."

Casey closed his eyes.

Dan moved in closer to him, murmuring in his ear, "Come on, don't you want to? Don't you want me watching as you get yourself off?"

Casey rested his forehead on Dan's shoulder and, after a second, moved his hand between his legs, squeezing himself gently through his pants.

"You want to," Dan whispered.

Casey shakily undid his fly, pulling his dick out, but covering it with his hand, not exposing himself to Dan.

He slowly began to stroke himself, closing his eyes again.

After a moment, he made a noise of frustration and pulled off his pants and boxers, puddling them on the floor.

He rested his hand on his bare thigh, then cradled his balls in his hand, sighing.

He briefly brought his hand up to his mouth and licked his palm, getting it slick, before bringing it back down to pull at his dick. He buried his face in Dan's neck.

"There you go," Dan whispered.

Casey humped into his hand, the other hand on the back of Dan's neck, drawing him closer. He gasped.

Dan let him breathe noisily against his throat. He shifted a little, evading the brush of Casey's knuckles against his midsection.

Casey moaned a little, but mostly he was quiet, biting his lip. It wasn't long before he was done, coming into his cupped hand. He caught his breath, his chest heaving.

Dan pulled away a little.

Casey, not meeting Dan's eyes, reached down and picked up his boxers. He wiped his hand on them, then swiped them over his dick. He dropped them again, shaking his head.

"Feel better?" Dan asked quietly.

Casey's face was red. He slid off the couch and knelt in front of Dan.

"Wait, no," Dan said, covering his crotch with his hands. "I'm fine."

Casey held Dan's hand and moved it to his thigh. He leaned closer in.

"Casey, really--" Dan started.

"Shh," Casey said. "Just let me..."

Dan looked off to the side as Casey began to suck him. He tapped his fingers on his thigh.

"Mm," Casey said.

Dan ignored him, but thrust a little harder into his mouth.

In a smooth motion, Casey got up and straddled Dan's lap.

Dan involuntarily put his hands on Casey's hips, steadying him. "What are you..."

Casey covered Dan's mouth with his, moving up and down, Dan's dick sliding along the cleft of his ass.

Dan breathed hard around the kiss and gripped Casey tightly. Then he wrenched away. "Casey..."

"Hm," Casey said, looking down, still moving against Dan's dick.

"Casey!" Dan pushed him. "Get off!"

Casey stumbled onto his feet. "*What*," he demanded.

Dan pulled his zipper back up, wincing, then glared at Casey. He stood. "Casey. I'm. Not. Gay!"

Casey made a face. "Well, you don't mind having me suck you off every few days."

"No, I kind of do!" Dan said. "Don't you think this is a little bizarre?"

"No," Casey said.

"Well, I do," Dan said. "In fact, I think it's kind of pathetic. If you're really gay, why don't you find some gay guy to be gay *with*?"

"With whom to be gay," Casey said.

"Fine," Dan said. "Why don't you?"

Casey turned on his heel and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door.

Dan stood still, looking at the space Casey had just vacated.

In a moment, the bedroom door opened. "Because I want to be gay with you," Casey said, "and I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job!" He slammed the door again.

Dan walked up to the bedroom and yelled through the door. "Well, you're *not* doing a good job! You can't even get me to sleep with you! That's a bad job! I sleep with everyone! I'm easy!"

Casey snorted. "Yeah, you'll sleep with any woman that moves. Because you're such a fucking macho straight heterosexual man who likes getting sucked off by a guy."

"I do *not* like it," Dan said. "I tolerate it for the sake of our friendship."

"Oh Jesus," Casey muttered. He raised his voice. "Well, thank you, Dan. Thank you very much for your toleration and your friendship. But don't bother. I'm so sorry I had to burden you by making you come in my mouth. Moaning."

"I did not moan. I--"

"What, were you pulling out the hairs on the back of my head out of friendship too?"

"I never--" Dan said. "Look, I don't deny you give decent head, but it's nothing special, you understand."

"Ohhh," Casey said. "That's... It's not like I've had a lot of practice. You just... you don't demean a person's blowing technique."

"Oh, is that considered 'below the belt'?" Dan asked. "Sorry."

"Shut up," Casey said.

Dan paused. "Casey," he said. "You said this wasn't going to mean anything."

"Right, well," Casey said, "I thought you'd changed your mind."

"What made you think that?"

"Well, you kept asking for more, didn't you?"

"Look, I asked them to put rye bread in the sandwich bar, but I don't want to have a relationship with it."

"I'm rye bread?" Casey said.

Dan rolled his eyes. "Hey, it's not like you're chopped liver or anything."

"I'm *rye* *bread*?"

"Oh, come on, Casey, don't get mad--I like rye bread."

"I'm rye bread," Casey repeated to himself.

"You're goddamn persnickety rye bread," Dan muttered.

Casey emerged from the bedroom and pushed past Dan. He sat down on the couch and stared at his hands. He sighed.

"It's not easy giving a blow job, you know," he said. "...Oh, wait, no you don't."

"Casey."

Casey grunted.

"...Look, why don't you put some pants on?"

"I will not put my pants on," Casey said. "It's my apartment. I like having my pants off."

"I hope you don't think I'm suddenly going to be overcome with desire and fall to my knees, just because you're half-naked."

"I'd settle for your just falling," Casey said. "Perhaps you could hit your head."

"Yeah, and forget any of this ever happened," Dan said. "Maybe I'll try that."

"Well, fuck you, Dan."

"Not *ever* gonna give that one a rest, are you?"

"Oh, yes, let's make a joke of it," Casey said. "Because it's so funny."

"You know what, Casey, I'm gonna go," Dan said.

"Good," Casey said. "But don't even think about asking for it again."

"I won't," Dan said on his way out.

* * * *

"Hey, Jeremy?" Casey glanced at the clock by the phone. "It's not too late, is it?"

"No, it's fine," Jeremy said. "This is Casey, right?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "Listen, I need clothes."

"What happened to the clothes you have?"

"No, I've got those clothes," Casey said. "I just need clothes that don't make me look like a dork, so I can go out and pick people up."

"And you're asking me?" Jeremy said.

"Well, I can't really talk about it with anyone else--"

"There's Dan."

"Yeah, that's not gonna work for me so much, Jeremy."

"Okay," Jeremy said. "Well, maybe Natalie could take you shopping--"

"What? Nooooo..." Casey heard Natalie's voice in the background. "Is that Casey? Tell him I am *not* taking him shopping."

"Yeah, he can probably hear you, Natalie," Jeremy said.

"He can't decide on *anything*, and he--"

"Natalie, baby, could I have a little privacy to talk to Casey? Just a little."

"You only call me 'baby' when you're being sarcastic."

"Just a little privacy," Jeremy said. "...Thank you."

Casey glanced at the clock again.

"You still there, Casey?" Jeremy said.

"Yeah," Casey said.

"Um, let me see," Jeremy said. "I've never put this into practice, but I understand that if you flirt with the salesperson you can get a lot of help."

Casey nodded. "Okay."

"You're all right with flirting?" Jeremy asked.

"Yeah, I think I'm getting the hang of it," Casey said.

"Good, so just..." Jeremy's voice became more distant, not directed toward the mouthpiece. "Natalie, don't... don't do that dance while I'm on the phone."

"I'll let you go, Jeremy," Casey said.

"Okay," Jeremy said distractedly.

"Wait, hang on," Casey said. "Do you know what felching is?"

"What?" Jeremy said. "Did someone ask you to participate in felching?"

"No, I was just wondering--"

"Don't do it," Jeremy said.

"What's felching?" Natalie's voice chirped.

"Never mind, baby," Jeremy said.

"G'night," Casey said.

He hung up.

* * * *

Natalie looked up from her desk, took the lollipop out of her mouth and let out a low whistle. She wasn't a good whistler, but she still got Casey's attention. "Nice outfit."

Casey tugged at his shirt self-consciously. "Thanks."

She walked over to him. "What were you talking to Jeremy about the other night?"

"Men things," Casey said.

Natalie narrowed her eyes. "You were talking about shopping."

"Right, don't you think that counts as--" Casey interrupted himself. "Really, I was basically calling for dating advice."

"And you asked Jeremy?" Natalie said. "Not Dan?"

"Well, look at Dan," Casey said, "dicking around with assorted skanks, whereas Jeremy..." he gestured to Natalie, "...is in a steady relationship with an energetic, intelligent paragon of beauty."

Natalie stood on her tiptoes and pecked Casey on the cheek. "You can talk to Jeremy anytime you want."

"Thanks," Casey said solemnly.

* * * *

Dan got up from the couch, looked Casey up and down, then went to sit behind the desk. "I haven't seen those clothes before."

"Yeah," Casey said. "I went shopping; the guy at the store was very helpful."

"Really," Dan said, scanning the page in front of him.

"Yeah, after he'd helped me look for awhile, he even came in to help me try things on. Then we had sex in the changing room."

Dan looked up and pursed his lips. "You manage to catch his name?" he asked calmly.

"I think it was Chet?" Casey said. "He had a little nametag on his shirt, but he didn't have his shirt on that long."

Dan gave him a disgusted look and left the room.

* * * *

Casey nearly bumped into Dan as they were getting their things together in their office after the show.

Dan let out an irritated sigh.

"'Scuse me," Casey said mildly.

"No problem," Dan muttered.

Casey looked at him. "Danny, I know things are fucked up, but I'm really glad we can still do the show well."

"What, you think I can't be professional in the face of you being a freak?" Dan said. "Is it so shocking that I'm able to do my job competently?"

"No," Casey said. He took a deep breath. "I'm just sayin', it was a good show."

"Oh," Dan said. "All right."

Casey waited a moment, then said, "So my being gay makes me a freak?"

"No, you throwing yourself at me and then fucking maybe-his-name-is-Chet in the dressing room makes you a freak."

Casey nodded, though obviously not agreeing. "I don't think you're in a position to--"

Dan held up his hands. "I don't wanna talk about it."

"Fine." Casey shrugged. "It was a good show, though."

Dan smiled faintly. "Yeah."

* * * *

Casey stretched his legs out under the table. He was crammed into the booth with Jeremy and Natalie. Dan and Elliot were sitting across from them.

Dan's head snapped up. "Jesus, Casey, would you watch it? That was my shin."

"Oh, that was me," Jeremy said. "Sorry, Dan."

"Oh," Dan said. "Sorry."

He turned back to Elliot and renewed his argument about absentee ballots.

"Did you know," Natalie addressed to no one in particular, "that Casey now comes to Jeremy for dating advice?"

"And why shouldn't he," Jeremy said, taking a handful of peanuts. "Who better to give advice than someone in my position as a man captured and ensnared, in the best sense of those words?"

"You meant to say that you're a very lucky guy, right, sweetie?"

"Yes, baby."

"Goddammit, stop calling me 'baby."

"You just called me 'sweetie.'"

"Yes, but I meant it sincerely."

"No," Jeremy said, "you meant it as a threat."

Natalie smiled. "But in the best sense of the word." She plucked the maraschino cherry from her drink and popped it in Jeremy's mouth.

"I don't like maraschino cherries," Jeremy mumbled around it. "Especially not mixed with peanuts."

"I know, sweetie, but I like watching you chew."

Casey laughed.

Dan had interrupted Elliot to say, "Yeah, I *know* that ever since, well, maybe not since John Jay, but certainly since Marshall, the Supreme Court has been amassing more power for itself, and that's fine, but they shouldn't be able to make a decision like that; I mean, just the fact that they said their ruling would apply in that case only and wouldn't have any other implications invalidates--"

He looked across the table at Casey's laugh.

"So you and Casey are getting along pretty good, Jeremy?" he said.

"Yeah," Jeremy said slowly.

"That's great," Dan said. "That working out for you, Casey?"

"Yeah, we're all right," Casey said. "Thanks."

Dan shook his head. "Cool. All I can say to that is: Natalie, keep an eye on them."

Jeremy gave him a warning look as Casey kicked him under the table.

Dan winced, then got up and said, "I'm getting another beer."

Elliot watched him walk to the bar, then turned back to the others. "What was that?"

"I don't know," Jeremy said.

Natalie shook her head. "It's always a bad sign when he starts talking about John Jay."

Casey leaned in conspiratorially. "Dan has been having some trouble getting laid," he whispered. "It's making him weird."

"Oh," Natalie said. "Well, I'd be happy to set him up with someone if it meant he'd stop acting like a prick."

"I know a girl who wants to meet him," Elliot offered.

"Well, I thank you on his behalf," Casey said. "But I think it's something he has to work out for himself."

He watched Dan take his beer over to Dana's table, where he sat down.

* * * *

All one could hear in Dan and Casey's office was the tapping of their keyboards.

Then Dan's chair squeaked as he leaned back.

"Uh, Casey?"

"Yes," Casey said, continuing to type.

"Have you noticed over the past few days that I've refrained from making any insinuating remarks about you and Jeremy?"

"I did notice that, yes," Casey said.

"Yeah," Dan said. "That's been deliberate."

"Good," Casey said, still typing. "I mean, I would hope that it would be the sort of thing that would come to you naturally, but if you have to work on it, I appreciate the effort you're putting into it."

"Are you still typing actual sentences while you're talking to me?"

"Yes," Casey said, his eyes fixed on his monitor.

"How do you do that?" Dan asked. "Because once I'm talking, I start typing the things I'm saying."

"Well, now you've got me doing it too, actually," Casey said. He looked up. "So," he said.

"Yeah," Dan drawled. "So. I wanted to apologize for being an asshole the other night at Anthony's."

"It's okay," Casey said, going back to typing. "I told everybody that you weren't getting any."

Dan blinked. "Okay, so does that mean I can retract my apology?"

"Yeah," Casey said. "We're even for now."

Dan went back to work.

A while later, he glanced back up at Casey.

"What's that on your neck?" he asked casually.

Casey sat back. "Heh heh," he said.

"What is that? What's that dirty laugh you've got going?"

"I have to tell you, Danny," Casey said, "the gay community is amazing."

Dan smirked. "You having some fun?"

"Oh, you can't imagine," Casey said. "Did you know you can just pull a guy aside and blow him right in the bathroom?"

"Classy," Dan remarked.

"No, it's great. You can do, like, six guys in a night. Easily."

Dan furrowed his brow. "Tell me, have you heard anything about this AIDS epidemic that's been going on?"

"Uh, yeah, Dan," Casey said. "That's why they make condoms."

Dan sighed and shook his head. "Casey, I feel compelled to tell you: you're not gay."

Casey laughed. "No, I just like sucking cock and taking it up the ass. I see what you mean." He paused. "'Like' is kind of an understatement, you realize." He smiled. "I think it's brilliant that someone, a long long time ago, thought of doing these things. I mean, it's the best thing since...gee, since rye bread, probably."

Dan glared at him, then said, "You know, you've kind of been walking funny for the past little while. I mean, not the walking so much. But the easing of yourself into chairs."

"I know," Casey said. "It's completely worth it."

"You know you can get hemorrhoids that way, don't you?"

"Thanks for your concern," Casey said. "I'll be careful." He tapped out a few more words. "By the way, no one's had any complaints about my blowjobs. On the contrary." He shrugged. "But maybe I've just been improving a lot. After all, I'm getting lots of practice."

Dan waved this off. "Seriously, Casey," he said. "What if--isn't what you're doing pretty dangerous?"

Casey rolled his eyes. "Danny, heterosexual women 18 to 34 are the group with the fastest growing rate of HIV infection. *Sex* is dangerous nowadays. It's why you take precautions."

"No, I mean--aren't you worried you might get beat up?"

Casey considered this. "Is that a threat, Danny?"

"What? No."

"Are you gonna hire someone to beat me up?" Casey asked. "Because I know *you* can't do it."

"Well, I'm sure I'd get a nice low rate, anyway," Dan said. "I'd just tell them what a dickhead you are."

"*I'm* the dickhead," Casey said. "How's that?"

"You like fucking people around--and you're--"

"What," Casey said.

"You keep trying to make me sleep with you. That's...quite coercive."

"Okay, for one thing," Casey said, "I stopped. When you told me to. Before that, you were sitting back and enjoying it, so I don't see where the coercion is in that."

"Well, you were always rubbing yourself against me," Dan said, "and now you always lean all over me."

"Sounds like you're pretty finely tuned to my presence, Dan," Casey said. "Is that something you notice a lot?"

"You *do* it a lot," Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey said slowly. "Because you're always sitting on my desk. And I need things off my desk."

"Oh, like yours in the only stapler in the building," Dan scoffed.

"Well, Danny, you know you smell so sweet; I'm trying to homosexually corrupt you and make you go straight to hell," Casey said.

"Case--"

"I'm a baaaad man, Danny!" Casey said. "Look out!"

Dan covered his mouth and snickered.

"Better keep your ass to the wall," Casey warned.

"Okay, maybe I was overdramatizing the situation," Dan said.

"I think it might be possible," Casey said.

"Okay," Dan said. "I'll be in editing."

He paused at the door and looked back at Casey. "But you see my point, right?"

"No," Casey said.

Dan made a face. "I'll be in editing."

* * * *

Casey stretched, then slowly opened his eyes. The pillowcase under his cheek was dark blue.

"Hm," he said.

He blinked and pushed himself up a little. He took in the figure of the man lying next to him.

"Hey," the guy said.

"Hi." Casey sat up and scrubbed at his eyes. He yawned loudly. "*Man*."

The guy sat up and bit his earlobe. "You were out for a while there."

Casey nodded, then blinked several times. "Yeah," he said. "That was...nice."

The guy chuckled. "Yeah, you seemed to be enjoying yourself."

Casey gave him a thoughtful look, then said, "Listen, I'm really sorry, but--what was your name again?"

"Tiger," the guy said. He didn't seem offended.

Casey found his boxers on the floor and pulled them on. "Is that spelled with a 'y' or an 'i'?" he asked absently.

"Who spells it with a 'y'?"

"You know," Casey said, pulling his undershirt on over his head, "like 'tyger tyger burning bright'."

Tiger gave him a blank look.

"Never mind," Casey said. He picked up his watch from the bedside table, squinted at it, then put it on. "4:40," he muttered to himself.

Tiger padded over to his dresser and busied himself with something. Casey let himself gaze at his muscular back and ass. There was a tattoo above his right cheek.

"Why do you have a tattoo of a lion?" Casey asked.

"The tattoo guy said he didn't know how to do tigers," Tiger said, balancing as he slowly scratched his calf with the back of his foot.

When he turned around, he was holding a joint. "You wanna stick around?"

"No thanks," Casey said, looking at his watch again. "I should...get going. Mind if I call a cab?"

"Go ahead," Tiger said, settling himself Indian-style into an armchair. He lit up.

Casey spoke into the phone, then turned to Tiger, "What's the building number here?"

Tiger told him and closed his eyes.

"You know that's bad for you, right?" Casey said as he finished getting dressed.

Tiger opened one eye. "It's better for you than cigarettes and alcohol. Medicinal, man."

"Okay," Casey said. "Well, um. I had a really great time."

Tiger smiled. "I know."

* * * *

Casey let out a sigh of satisfaction as he propped his legs up on the desk. "Danny, you would not believe the night I had."

"What, did you have another sexual revelation?" Dan said, trying to twirl the office basketball on his fingertip.

"I did, actually," Casey said.

"Really."

"Yes." Casey licked his lips.

"Huh," Dan said. "I myself experienced a very enjoyable bout of vaginal intercourse."

Casey laughed. "Good for you."

"Yeah, I'm pleased about it."

"Who was she?" Casey asked.

"Her name was Bobbee," Dan said.

Casey stared at him. "Bobbi Bernstein?"

"No, a totally different Bobbee. With two e's at the end. She was very careful to tell me that, just in case, I don't know, I wanted to spell her name at the height of passion rather than moan it."

Casey laughed. "All right, on to the important part of last night. I had this revelation."

"That's what I hear."

"Isn't the suspense killing you?"

"Not really," Dan said. He fumbled the ball and knocked over a jar of pens.

"I'm gonna tell you, anyway," Casey said.

"I thought that was what was gonna happen."

"You gonna pick up those pens?"

"Later," Dan said, getting a pretty good spin on the ball.

"Well, here's what I discovered," Casey said. "I'm multi-orgasmic."

Dan held the ball still. "*What*?"

"Yeah, I know," Casey said.

"That's not even possible," Dan said.

"No, it is. This guy, Tiger--"

"Tiger was his name?" Dan smirked.

"Turns out it's pretty apt."

"'Tyger' as in William Blake or 'Tiger' as in Tiger Woods?" Dan asked.

"The latter," Casey said. He paused. "You know, Tiger Woods is kind of funny-looking."

"I agree," Dan said.

"I'd do him, anyway," Casey decided.

"Dude, *I'd* fuck Tiger Woods," Dan said. "Because he's Tiger Woods."

Casey nodded. "I know what you mean."

"It's like this time in college," Dan said. "Miss America had come to campus to promote her pet cause."

"What was it?"

Dan shrugged. "It was some damned thing. Anyway, a friend of mine had helped arrange her coming there, so he invited me to go to a dinner she was at. And she wasn't at all attractive. She was...lantern-jawed. And she wore a lot of make-up, in a way that suggested if she wore any less, she'd be really hideous. Know what I mean?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

"And she wore ugly shoes. But I still wanted to put the moves on her. Because then I would've had sex with Miss America."

"So it's more liking the idea of having sex with someone than actually having the sex," Casey said.

"Yeah," Dan said. "If that makes me an asshole, well, then, I'm an asshole."

"Nah, I think it makes you a normal male."

Dan nodded. "Though really, I think women do it more often than men."

"Ya think?"

"Yeah. Look at all the babes Henry Kissinger got."

"Good point," Casey said. "You have a thing for shoes, don't you?"

"What?" Dan said.

"You mentioned Miss America's shoes like they were a factor in deciding her attractiveness."

"I have an eye for feminine footwear, yes," Dan said.

"Okay," Casey said.

"There's nothing funny about that," Dan said.

"There kind of is," Casey said.

"Well, you like giving blowjobs, so I don't know which one of us is supposed to be weirder."

"What?" Casey said. "Shoes are some fringe fetish. Blowjobs are a normal sexual activity."

"Yeah, but nobody *likes* giving blowjobs," Dan said. "They do it to be nice."

"Many people like giving blowjobs," Casey said.

"If you say so," Dan said.

* * * *

They came into the office together from the rundown. Dan sat down and stared at Casey. Casey tapped away at his computer. Dan kept staring.

He suddenly burst out, "*Multi-orgasmic*?"

Casey looked up and nodded. "Danny, it...it was incredible. It defies description. I passed out. I had to drink like six glasses of orange juice this morning just so I could walk without weaving."

"But you're a *guy*," Dan said. "How could you even..."

"Well--" Casey started.

Dan held up his hands. "I'm not gonna pursue that line of questioning."

Casey shrugged. "All right."

"So you gonna see Tiger again?"

"No," Casey said.

"No?" Dan repeated. "The man gives you multiple orgasms and you just walk away weaving?"

"He seemed kind of dim," Casey said.

"I think I could put up with a certain level of intellectual understimulation for the sake of multiple orgasms."

"He does drugs," Casey said.

Dan blinked. "What, were there track marks on his arms?"

"No, I didn't know about it till afterwards. I regained consciousness and he was rolling himself a joint."

"Oh," Dan said. "Well, it's good to avoid drugs."

"Yeah," Casey said. "Besides, now I know what it takes, so I can make sure other people do things like--"

"Ah ah ah," Dan said. "No need to pass that information along."

"Don't you want to know how to have multiple orgasms? You'd enjoy it."

"I'm sure I would, but I don't think it's something you can teach me."

"No?"

"No," Dan said. "I think you're some sort of mutant."

Casey sighed. "A happy mutant."

Dan shook his head and started working. "I don't believe it," he muttered.

After a while, Casey started kicking at the leg of the table.

"Stop it," Dan said without looking up.

"There's a little bit of a block in this vicinity," Casey said.

"Well, keep it over there," Dan said. "I'm in the groove."

"No, I think I need to talk my way out of this block."

"You do not," Dan said. "You need to leave me alone."

"No, I think the way to knock down this block is to get you out of the groove."

Dan sighed. "Do I disrupt *your* writing when I've got a block?"

"Danny, you disrupt the entire office."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Dan said. "If you don't mind, I'm working here, so--"

"I was thinking..." Casey said.

"Aw man," Dan said.

"Did you know that 'faggot' originally meant a bundle of sticks?"

"Yes," Dan said.

"I heard that it came to refer to a gay person because back when they were burning witches, someone would yell, 'Throw another faggot on the fire,' and sometimes they would toss a sodomite on there. Though I don't see how that could be true, because I imagine throwing a person on a kindling fire would make it harder to keep the flame going."

"Yeah, that's bullshit propaganda," Dan said. "'Faggot' was once used as a derogatory word for 'woman,' I'm guessing because women were probably the ones who had to gather up the bundles of wood, and then it moved on to referring to effeminate men."

"Oh," Casey said. "That makes more sense. How do you know that?"

"You know, you're not the only person who's heard of etymology."

"You mean entomology," Casey said.

"Ento--right. Right. Isn't that what I said?"

"You said etymology."

"Oh. I meant entomology."

"Actually, it *is* etymology," Casey said with a straight face.

"Wait, so I was right the first time?"

"Maybe." Casey smirked.

Dan glared at him. "You act like you have the ability to fuck with me, but really, you just don't know which one it is, either."

"No, it's etymology," Casey said. "Swear to God."

Dan looked at him suspiciously, then picked up the first volume of the dictionary. "'Etymology' has a 'y' in it, right?"

Casey nodded. "Two, in fact."

Dan made a face as he flipped through the pages. "I knew about the one at the end, dickweed."

"Did you just say 'dickweed'?" Casey asked.

"Yes," Dan said, not looking up from the book.

"I didn't know people your age still used that word," Casey said.

"Well, they do," Dan said, scanning. "Ha! 'Etymology'! I was right!"

"And isn't that what I said? Huh?"

Dan slammed the dictionary shut. "So what does entomology mean?"

"The study of insects."

Dan took a deep breath and shook his head. "Do you realize, fucker, that now I'm forever going to get those words confused? I had them figured out before."

"I'm sorry," Casey said.

"Are you really?" Dan asked.

"I'm really very sorry," Casey said contritely.

"All right, then," Dan said.

Casey snickered.

"'Faggot' is generally used as a pretty bad insult," Dan said. "But some people claim the word as their own and call themselves faggots. Would you say you're a faggot?"

"No, I don't even like the word," Casey said. "It rhymes with 'maggot.'"

"That's true," Dan said.

"Besides, I think 'faggot' implies a degree of limp-wristedness that I don't have."

Dan nodded. "You're a man's man, Casey."

"Wait, I didn't mean to say it like that, in a bigoted way."

"You did, though," Dan said.

"Right, but--"

"You dug yourself the hole, Casey," Dan said. "Just acknowledge it and move on."

"I have these strange vestiges of homophobia," Casey said. "It's somewhat confusing."

"I'd imagine so," Dan said. "Well, what about the word 'homosexual'? Do you identify with that?"

Casey made a face. "It sounds like a disorder."

Dan allowed the point. "It was, till not very long ago." He drummed his fingers on the desktop. "You realize the groove has long since left the building."

Casey smiled at him. "Good to hear."

"What about 'queer'?" Dan asked.

"What about it?"

"Would you call yourself queer?"

"No, I think I'm too mainstream to belong to the queer culture."

Dan nodded. "I think you have to be cool to be able to call yourself queer."

"I'm cool," Casey said.

Dan snorted.

"So you'd just go with the label 'gay,' he said.

"Yeah," Casey said. "Gay and multi-orgasmic."

Dan pointed at him. "You are *lying*."

Kim came in. "Am I interrupting something?"

"We're talking about entomology," Dan said.

"Etymology," Casey said.

Dan squinted, obviously cogitating.

"Etymology," Casey assured him.

"I hate you," Dan said to him. He turned back to Kim. "Also, apparently, Casey is multi-orgasmic."

Kim looked Casey up and down.

He gave her a big smile.

"Would you please tell him that's impossible?" Dan asked her.

"Actually, I went out with this guy I managed to give multiple orgasms," Kim said. "It was a period in my life of great pride."

Dan opened his mouth, then closed it. "Say, Kim, after the show tonight--"

"Forget about it, Danny," Kim said. "Here, I was supposed to give you these." She laid some papers on the table. "Dana said to get the twenties in shape or she's going to kick your ass."

"Thanks," Casey said.

Kim gave him another appraising look, then left.

"*Mutant*," Dan said.

* * * *

Dan knocked on the door. "Hey, Casey," he said when it opened.

"Hey," Casey said. He stood there a second in the doorway, then said, "Come in."

Dan did, then cocked his head, listening to the music coming from the CD player. "Billy Strayhorn," he said.

"Uh, Ella Fitzgerald, actually," Casey said.

Dan gave him a pitying look. "I *know*. Billy Strayhorn is the composer."

"Oh," Casey said.

"I didn't know you liked this stuff," Dan said.

Casey shrugged. "Well, I've been told it's my duty to get to know my divas."

"Ah," Dan said. "You got any Judy Garland?"

"I don't think I'm ready for that yet," Casey said.

"Heh," Dan said. "You know Billy Strayhorn was gay?"

"No, I didn't," Casey said.

"Yeah," Dan said.

He listened. "This is a good song." He sung along quietly. "'Romance is mush, stifling those who strive...'"

Casey was standing near the piano. He picked out a few chords and absently played them with the CD.

"I haven't heard you play the piano in a long time," Dan said.

"Yeah, I haven't been lately," Casey said, playing a final chord.

Dan stepped up behind him and kissed the back of his neck.

Casey turned around. "Don't, Danny."

"Why not?" Dan said.

Casey shook his head. "Just...don't."

"Come on, don't you want to show me all those things you've learned?"

"Go to hell, Dan," Casey said.

"What, afraid you won't be that good?"

"I mean it, Dan," Casey said. "Shut the fuck up."

There was silence.

"I *know* I'm that good," Casey said.

"So prove it," Dan said.

"You tell me to prove anything, Danny, and I'm gonna punch you in the face."

Dan sneered. "Prove it."

Casey gave him a stony glare.

"I've got an idea," he said. "How about *I* fuck *you*?"

Dan laughed. "No."

"Afraid you won't be that good?" Casey mimicked.

"...How good do you have to be to take it up the ass?"

"Heh," Casey said. "You *wouldn't* be any good."

"Yes, I would," Dan said.

Casey raised an eyebrow.

"If I wanted to," Dan said. "Which I don't."

Casey shook his head. "You're ridiculous."

"Look, if *you're* good at it, Mr. Inhibited, then--"

"It is the inhibited who are the bobcats in the sack," Casey said.

"The *what*?"

"Bobcats. In. The sack," Casey enunciated. He went on. "I bet all your exploits are just a cover. You've probably slept with two people in your whole life."

Dan had picked up a pencil from the piano lid and was slowly tapping high C with the eraser. "If I had only fucked two people, don't you think I would have jumped at the chance to do you?"

"I would have thought so, anyway, Danny," Casey said. "I'm a hell of a lay."

"Really," Dan said.

"Ask around," Casey said. "Ask Sally."

The pencil snapped in half. "She's a girl, Casey. Girls don't count anymore."

Casey shrugged. "I'm just sayin', I don't think she comes five times in a row with just anybody."

"She probably *does*," Dan said.

"Besides," Casey said, "I fucked her, I'd fuck you--same technique in the hips."

"Ugh," Dan said.

"But hey," Casey said, "we could start off slow. You want to suck me?"

"No."

Casey shrugged. "Well, you probably wouldn't be any good at it, anyway."

"You gonna double-dog dare me into it?"

"I don't need to dare you to do anything, Dan," Casey said. "I can go around the block and find someone who'd be happy to do it. And wouldn't need instruction and praise and coddling."

"Yeah," Dan said. "The way you've been acting, I'm sure you have lots of friends among whores."

"I don't have to pay them, if that's what you're implying."

"I wasn't really implying that so much as that you've been acting like a whore."

"Sour grapes," Casey said.

"Seriously, though," Dan said. "Why do you even bother zipping up your pants?"

"Because it would be a shame to deny people the opportunity to open them with their teeth."

"Oh, Christ," Dan said.

"If I were sleeping with women, you wouldn't be copping this attitude," Casey said.

"Yeah, and you wouldn't be pretending to be gay in a bid for my attention."

"...You're kind of full of yourself, aren't you."

"Casey, come on, I know you're attracted to me."

"I'm attracted to Mike Piazza, but I'm not going to have sex with him," Casey said.

"Mike Piazza?" Dan asked.

"He has a very sweet smile," Casey said.

"So if Mike Piazza showed up at your apartment and smiled and offered himself to you, you wouldn't take him up on it."

"Not if he said, 'All right, you can blow me, but keep in mind what a favor I'm doing you, and remember that I'm not going to touch you'; no, I wouldn't."

"Casey," Dan said. "It's not like that."

"No, it's pretty much like that," Casey said.

"All right, let's forget all that," Dan said. He held up the DVD he'd brought. "I was wondering if you wanted to finally see _Tin Cup_, to fill this gaping hole in your cinematic experience."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Danny."

"Not a good *idea*? Like, what, this is a theorem I've been working on? Let's just watch the video." Dan held up his hands. "Just watch. Just a movie about golf. A light-hearted comedy."

Casey shook his head.

Dan sighed. "Fine. I'll leave it here. You can watch it with one of your gentleman friends."

"Dan--"

"See ya."

* * * *

"Hey, Casey," came a chorus of voices.

"Great show tonight," Casey said.

Dan looked up, checking the swing of the whiffle bat, a half-wild look in his eyes. "Casey. Casey, young man. You missed the show."

"Yeah," Casey said. "It was my night off, so I figured that was expected."

"It was, as a matter of fact," Dan said, tapping imaginary dust off his shoes with the bat. "Which is why we're surprised to see you here now, when you're supposed to be cutting a swath through the hot young...singles of the City."

Casey smiled faintly. "I'm seeing Charlie pretty early tomorrow morning. I left the autographs he wanted in the office."

"That explains it, then," Dan said, turning away from Casey and thwacking the whiffle ball.

"Oh *baby*!" he exclaimed. "Five under par! That's six thwacks ahead, for those of you keeping score." He pointed with the bat at Elliot, who was holding a pad of paper and a pencil.

Elliot nodded and made a note.

Casey emerged from his office, holding some glossy photographs. He watched Kim pick up a dime and place the ball on the floor. He nodded to Isaac. "How you making out there?"

Isaac made a dismissive gesture and drained his glass of Scotch. "I double-bogeyed over by the copy machine."

"Let's not forget the ficus plant disaster," Dan said helpfully.

"What was it I said to you about the mention of the ficus plant, Danny?" Isaac said. "Something about putting your proctologist on speed-dial?"

Dan held up his hands. "Just reporting the news as it happens, sir."

"Aw, fuck," Kim said.

Dan started doing a little dance, waving his beer bottle in the air.

"Pride goeth, Danny," Dana said.

"I can't hear you, Dana. You're all the way over in the losers' section."

"You gonna play, Casey?" Elliot asked.

Dan shook his head. "There's no way he could possibly enter the competition at this stage of the game."

"Yeah, I'm just gonna head back out," Casey said. "G'night, everyone."

"Bye," people answered distractedly.

Dan sobered.

"Dave, man," he said, "that was a great shot. I'm not saying I'm worried or anything, but that was a really nice shot."

"I know," Dave said.

"Bye, Danny," Casey said.

Dan didn't turn around to look at him. "Bye, Casey. Say hi to Charlie for me."

"Sure," Casey said.

He stood there a moment, then left.

* * * *

"Casey." Dan stood in the doorway. "Come with me."

Casey looked up and motioned to the TV monitor. "I'm watching--footage--for, you know, work?..."

"We need to have a private conversation," Dan said.

"I'm busy," Casey said.

"Come with me," Dan said. He turned and started walking.

Casey stopped the tape, a skeptical look on his face, and caught up to Dan.

"Where are we going?"

"The eighth floor," Dan said, leading them to the elevators. "I don't know anyone there."

"Oh, well, that makes perfect sense," Casey said, getting on the elevator with Dan. He glanced sidelong at him. "What about that Caiti person?"

"She moved to Omaha," Dan said, looking up at the display of numbers.

"Does that have anything to do with the time you--"

"It does not," Dan said. "In fact, she still writes me very friendly letters."

"Okay," Casey said.

They got off on the eighth floor, Dan leading the way again.

"Wait a minute," Casey said. "I am *not* going into the men's room with you."

"To *talk*, Casey. In private. Jesus."

"In the men's room," Casey said.

"Women do it all the time," Dan said.

"Women talk in private in the men's room?"

"I'm really not in the mood," Dan said, swinging the door open and entering. He tilted his head, looking under all the stalls. He and Casey were alone.

He turned the deadbolt in the main door and faced Casey. "All right," he said.

"That door locks?" Casey said.

Dan glanced back at it. "Yeah."

"That seems like a lawsuit just waiting to happen."

Dan rolled his eyes. "I'm not keeping you *in*, Casey; I'm keeping other people *out*."

"Oh, I'm sure, but I'm sayin' just on principle..."

"Casey, shut up," Dan said.

Casey crossed his arms. "What. I'm listening."

"I think you need to seriously reconsider this gay fucking rampage you're on."

Casey waited a moment. "Repeat that."

"I know you heard me," Dan said.

"Yeah, I guess I'm just having a little trouble believing you said it," Casey said.

"Casey, what you're doing isn't healthy. And I'm not talking about the risk of STDs, or your chances of getting beat up. You've found a clique for yourself, and you seem to be willing to do anything to stay in it, just because you have trouble fitting in and being accepted in other places."

"You think I'm not accepted in sports casting?" Casey asked. "Tell me, Danny, who wins all the awards, and gets on the lists, and gets his articles published?"

"I just had a piece in the _Times Sunday Magazine_ eight weeks ago, so you can stop trying to distract me with that crap," Dan said. "I know you're doing great professionally, but let's face it, you've always been awkward socially. And now you've found this group of people who'll tell you what to wear and what music to listen to and will think you're cool because you give great head--okay, yes, you give great head; I'm sorry I said anything negative about it before--and you're *throwing* yourself at them, without any regards for your self-respect."

Casey narrowed his eyes. "You know what, I think you're just pissed that *you're* not the one telling me what to wear or what to listen to anymore and, let's not forget, not the one getting head from me."

"I'm really not, Casey," Dan said.

"Yes, you are."

"Okay, maybe, but you're missing the important point."

"And what's that," Casey said, staring him down.

"The self-respect issue. You're chasing these guys every night--"

"*Christ*, why would the fact that I enjoy and go after sex mean I lack self-respect? It shows that I respect myself enough to go get what I want."

"Casey, it's wonderful that you enjoy sex, but you know what, I said the same thing you just did when I was in college and fucking a girl or two every night and didn't see anything wrong with it, and in truth? I was shaken up and desperate and doing whatever I could to avoid facing that fact. Whatever you're looking for, you're not going to find it with some guy's dick up your ass."

"'Self-respect.'" Casey shook his head. "You know what my greatest show of self-respect was? Telling you to fuck off. Do you not remember what you were like? 'Come on, Casey, jerk off in front of me; show me how much you need it. No, I don't want anything, I just want to see how hot I make you.'"

"I did not say that," Dan said shakily.

"Oh, you might as *well* have," Casey spat out.

"You did want me, Casey," Dan said. "Tell me you didn't."

Casey sighed explosively. "I'm not going to stand here and stroke your ego, Dan."

Dan nodded. "No, but apparently you wouldn't mind stroking my--"

Casey's fist smashed into the wall next to Dan's head.

"*Fuck*," Casey muttered, wincing and shaking his hand up and down.

"...You all right?" Dan asked.

"I'm fine," Casey said, turning on the tap with his left hand and putting his right in the cold water.

"Break anything?"

Casey flexed his hand slowly, grinding his teeth. "No."

"You gotta hit with these knuckles here," Dan said, pointing to them on his own hand.

"I'll remember that."

"We can get some ice back upstairs," Dan said.

"Oh, you done lecturing?"

"Yeah," Dan said.

* * * *

They got off on their floor.

"I'll get you some ice," Dan said.

"I'll get it," Casey said quietly.

He walked quickly away from Dan.

Dan watched him and so was startled when Natalie jumped in front of him.

"Are you and Casey sleeping together?" she asked.

"What?" Dan said.

"Aisha on the eighth floor just called me."

"Who the hell is Aisha?"

"She was Caiti's good friend. Remember Caiti?"

"Yes," Dan said.

"Remember the time you made her--"

"*Yes*," Dan said.

"Anyway, Aisha said you and Casey went into the men's bathroom and later emerged looking disheveled."

"How do you know Aisha?"

"I know everyone, Dan."

"All right," Dan said. "Why would that mean we're sleeping together? We were having a private conversation, not doing...whatever Aisha thinks we were doing."

"But Casey *is* gay, right?"

"...Where did you hear that?"

"Jeremy," Natalie said.

Dan scratched his head. "I need to stop having this conversation."

"Danny--" Natalie said.

Dan held up his hand as he walked away.

* * * *

He found Casey sitting next to the sandwich bar, holding a baggy of ice to his right hand.

"You shoulda gone with your left," he said.

Casey grunted.

"Uh, here's a bit of news," Dan said.

Casey looked at him resentfully.

"Jeremy's been going around telling people you're gay."

"Perfect," Casey whispered, staring at his hand.

"To be honest, I don't know if he told anyone besides Natalie, but that pretty much amounts to--"

"Yeah," Casey said.

He got up and started walking toward their office. Dan uncertainly trailed him.

"Hey, Jeremy?" Casey called as he walked across the newsroom. "Can I speak with you?" He ignored the stares he was getting.

Jeremy nodded quickly and joined him. Dan followed them into the office and closed the door.

"Okay, Casey, I realize--" Jeremy started.

Dan settled down on the couch to watch.

"Jeremy," Casey said. "You said you were going to keep this on the DL."

Jeremy paused. "Actually, I never said that. What I said was that I wasn't going to send anyone besides Dan to talk to you about this."

Casey threw his hands in the air. "Jeremy, I don't want to *parse*--"

"Jeremy does have a point, though," Dan said.

"I do?" Jeremy said.

"Yeah," Dan said. "Casey, if you really didn't want anyone to know about this, you wouldn't have been bragging about your exploits or reading gay literature in the office."

"Yes," Jeremy said, pointing at Dan. "That was my point."

Casey squinted at Jeremy. "People noticed that?"

"People noticed," Jeremy said quietly.

Casey let out a long breath.

Natalie knocked, then opened the door.

"Casey?" she said gently.

"Yeah."

"I think you should talk to Dana."

Casey groaned and rubbed his temples. "Right."

Natalie held the door open for him.

* * * *

Casey walked back into the office and sat down heavily.

"Okay?" Dan asked.

Casey nodded. He was quiet a moment. "Dana is a very kind person," he said.

Dan looked carefully at Casey's face. "Have you been crying?"

"No," Casey said. He rubbed the corner of his eye.

"All right," Dan said.

"You know the show is going to suck tonight, right?" Casey said.

"I think that's pretty much a given," Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey said.

* * * *

Casey knocked on Isaac's door, which was open a crack.

"If it's Natalie or Jeremy, you can go find some work to do," Isaac called.

"It's Casey."

"Come in," Isaac said.

Casey did, shutting the door behind him. He sat down and cleared his throat.

"Ah, Isaac, I'm sorry you have to be bothered with this nonsense, but...you've heard the latest news, right?"

"The latest news in sports or the latest news in office gossip?" Isaac asked.

"Heh," Casey said. "I doubt any of us could tell you the latest news in sports right now."

"Probably," Isaac agreed.

"I just--I know this puts you in an awkward position."

Isaac shrugged. "You know, it's possible nothing will ever come of it. Do you know how many people in sports are gay in a way that's open but never talked about?"

"No," Casey said, surprised. "Who are they?"

"Casey," Isaac said. "You wouldn't want me giving them *your* name, would you?"

"Guess not," Casey said. "Well--are they good-looking?"

Isaac laughed.

Casey smiled wryly. "Sorry."

"And if this does get to the higher-ups," Isaac said, "remember that Trager isn't Sachs."

Casey let out a long breath. "Right."

"I can't tell you what he'd do, Casey. But I do know he likes 'Sports Night' and likes having you on it."

Casey nodded.

"Also, CSC's medical coverage was recently extended to include domestic partners as well as spouses."

"Really?" Casey said.

Isaac nodded. "I don't know what it means for your case, but it's not a bad sign in terms of corporate attitude."

"Okay," Casey said.

"Know that when it comes down to it, I'm gonna fight for you. All right?"

Casey looked down and nodded. "Yeah."

"You want a drink?"

Casey let out a quiet laugh. "No, thanks. My head's already spinning pretty well."

Isaac nodded. He looked at the bruise on Casey's hand. "Your hand okay?"

"Yeah." Casey inhaled deeply. "Okay. Thanks, Isaac."

He stood up.

"Casey?" Isaac said.

Casey looked at him expectantly.

"I'm proud of you."

"For--for what?" Casey said.

"For being honest about who you are. That takes courage."

"Well," Casey said, "it wasn't so much my being honest as a secret leaking out."

"Nonetheless," Isaac said.

"Thank you," Casey said quietly.

"Do a good show tonight," Isaac said.

Casey laughed. "Well, we'll do a show tonight, anyway."

"Fair enough," Isaac said.

* * * *

Casey collapsed onto the couch and groaned.

Dan walked in behind him, loosening his tie. "Well, that happened."

"God," Casey said. "I personally have never sucked as hard as that show did."

"But it's over," Dan said.

"Right," Casey said. "Time aplenty for reconstruction."

Jeremy stuck his head in the office. "Um, Casey?"

Casey slowly rolled his head over to look at him.

"How ya doin'?" Jeremy asked.

"Oh, I'm super," Casey said. "Thanks for asking."

Dan smirked.

Jeremy walked all the way in. "Casey, I'm really sorry--"

Casey waved it off. "No, Jeremy, I think I really did want people to know. I just didn't want to have to make an announcement."

Jeremy nodded. "Okay. But still, I shouldn't have--"

Casey shook his head against the couch. "I know what Natalie's like."

Jeremy protested. "It was my responsibility to--"

"Really, don't worry about it," Casey said. "Just do me a favor."

"Yeah?" Jeremy said.

"First thing tomorrow get to squelching the wilder rumors that are gonna be flying around here. Tell everyone that Dan and I *aren't* sleeping together, and I'm *not* going to have a sex change operation, and I only own *one* piece of leather clothing and it's that jacket everyone here has seen me wear, and that I'm *nobody's* bitch, and...whatever else you guys come up with."

"Sure," Jeremy said. He paused. "You and Dan aren't sleeping together?"

"No," Casey said.

"No," Dan said.

"Oh," Jeremy said. "I just assumed, from the way you guys were--never mind. Rumor-squelching: no problem." He nodded. "'Night, guys."

"Bye, Jeremy," Dan said.

Casey waved.

"There's something else you should think about," Dan said when Jeremy had left.

Casey made himself horizontal, lying on his stomach. "What's that," he mumbled.

"Well, if this does get out," Dan said, "and the press decides they want to make a big deal of it instead of averting their eyes..."

"Yeah?"

"You're gonna want to have already told Lisa and Charlie, won't you?"

"Aw, *shit*," Casey said. "How am I supposed to have *that* conversation?"

"I'd tell them separately," Dan said.

"Yeah, but--" Casey sat up and massaged the bridge of his nose. "How is one supposed to tell one's ex-wife this sort of thing?"

"Well, there's always: 'Hey, honey, remember all that trouble we had when we were married? Turns out I'm just sexually repulsed by you!'"

Casey considered this. "I think I'm gonna avoid that route. Thanks, though."

"Anytime," Dan said.

"And Charlie," Casey said. "Fuck, I think everything he knows about being gay he learned from that 'South Park' movie."

"Then I'd say it's high time you had a talk with him about it," Dan said. "I mean, even if you weren't gay. There's no excuse for sanctioning ignorance."

Casey nodded and licked his lips. "I have no idea what I'm going to tell him."

Dan shrugged. "Just say it's like Lisa having boyfriends." He paused. "Of course, I doubt Lisa gives blowjobs in the men's room or does six guys in a single night, but--"

Casey nodded briskly. "I'll leave that part out."

"Good idea," Dan said.

Casey stared at his feet, then looked up at Dan. "You know, I didn't say I *did* those things; I just said it's possible to do those things."

"Hey, whatever," Dan said. "I'm not judging you."

Casey smiled faintly. "Yeah, you are."

"Okay," Dan said, "but it's because I've been there. I mean, not with the guys, but the...fucking around."

"Mm," Casey said.

"You want me to take you home?"

Casey rubbed the back of his neck, then went still. "Yes, please."

* * * *

Jeremy was standing in front of a group from wardrobe and make-up and gesturing. "No, he's never had an affair with Gore Vidal--"

Casey nodded to him as he passed. He gave him a thumbs-up. He walked into his office to find Dan standing there with Natalie.

"Natalie, you cannot take our pants for this," Dan was saying.

"Of course not; that's been done before. However," Natalie said.

Dan held up a finger. "No, no 'however.'"

"*However*," Natalie said, "this is quite a flagrant violation of the sharing rule."

Casey looked at both of them, then said, "I don't want any part of this..." and turned to walk away.

"Don't move, Casey," Natalie said. "This involves you too. Now. As I said, I will not be taking your pants. You'll simply have to wear these under your pants."

Natalie brandished a pair of small, oddly shaped cardboard boxes.

"*Pantyhose*?" Casey said.

"Sheer black," Natalie said.

"Natalie, come on," Casey said. "I've got enough on my plate with this gay thing; don't make me have to deal with transvestite issues."

"'Crossdresser,'" Dan said.

"What?" Casey said.

"You're supposed to say 'crossdresser' instead of 'transvestite.'"

"Okay," Casey said. "But you see what I'm saying, right, Natalie?"

Natalie shook her head. "This is not open to negotiation."

"You're right," Dan said. "It's not. We're not doing it."

Natalie cocked her head. "What?"

"Natalie, I respect the sharing rule, you know I do, but some things are just not mine to share," Dan said, escorting her, stunned, out of the office. "You'll have to get Jeremy to wear them or something." He closed the door behind her.

"*Yes*," Dan said, pumping his fist in the air.

Casey stared at him. "You just--Natalie was--"

"*Man*," Dan said. "I just took my manhood back from her, just like that, seized it with both hands...I feel...What's the opposite of 'emasculated'?"

"Um," Casey said. "Having undergone orchidoplasy?"

"What?" Dan said. "Orchids? Is that a word?"

"I just made it up," Casey said. "The 'orchido' part refers to the testicles, and 'plasy' means the rejuvenation of cells, so..."

"Huh," Dan said. "Pretty impressive for a guy who doesn't know where the ulna is."

"I do too," Casey said. "It's next to the...fibia."

Dan laughed. "You could not be more wrong."

Casey shifted uncomfortably. "Listen, aren't you concerned about Natalie's wrath, or her terrible swift sword, or something?"

"Nah," Dan said. "I'm orchidoplastic."

Casey shook his head. "You just make sure her retaliation is focused instead of all-encompassing. You're the target. Remind her of that. Build me some sort of...retaliation shield."

"I'll do what I can," Dan said.

* * * *

Halfway through the door to the supply closet, Dan opened his mouth, then closed it again.

Casey looked up and laughed self-consciously. "Um. Hi, Dan."

Dan looked from Casey to Thomas. He didn't have to look far, seeing as how the two were locked in a clinch.

Thomas tugged his shirt down, making sure he was covered. He buried his face in Casey's neck and laughed quietly.

Dan cocked his head, his eyes drawn to the spot on Thomas' thigh where bruises in the shape of fingers were forming.

He bit his lip, then said, "You know, if you're gonna have your pants down, why don't you use the closet that *locks*?"

"Whoa," Casey said as Thomas swayed against him. "Um, Jeremy and Natalie are in there."

"You know, it *astounds* me that we're able to broadcast an hour-long program every night," Dan said.

Casey nodded and looked at him expectantly.

"I came in here for a legal pad," Dan said.

Thomas leaned over and silently handed him one.

"Thanks, Tommy," Dan said.

He closed the door on Casey and Thomas' quiet laughter.

* * * *

"Isaac?" Dan said, settling himself into one of the armchairs in front of Isaac's desk.

"Yes," Isaac said, not looking up from the papers he was reading.

"Could you make Casey stop?"

"Why do I not like the direction this conversation is going," Isaac said. He signed a few of the papers. "Stop what, Daniel?"

"He's...being all gay around me."

Isaac looked up and took off his glasses. "It's my understanding that Casey *is* gay."

"Yeah," Dan said.

"So, by definition, wouldn't he have to be gay around *everyone*?"

"Yeah," Dan said, "but I mean, he's flaunting it."

"You're uncomfortable," Isaac said.

"Yes."

Isaac folded his hands in front of him. "Do you want to file a sexual harassment complaint?"

"What?" Dan said. "No."

"Are you refusing because you're intimidated or fear retaliation?"

"No," Dan said. "He's just...really annoying."

Isaac put his glasses back on. "Danny, if you come across a serious problem, my door's always open. Otherwise, settle your squabbles in the schoolyard."

Dan looked down at his shoes. "Yes, sir."

He waited a moment, then narrowed his eyes and looked back up. "Are you just blowing me off because of a lingering grudge from the whiffle-golf match?"

"Get out, Danny."

"Right," Dan said.

* * * *

Casey found Kim working with Elliot in the control room. "Um, Kim?"

She looked up. "Yeah."

Casey cleared his throat. "What's, um, felching?"

Elliot propped his chin in his hands and smiled expectantly.

"Did someone ask you to do this, Casey?" she said.

"No," Casey said. "I just want to know what it is."

"Are you sure?" she said.

"*Yes*, I'm sure. How bad could it be?"

Kim tilted her head. "Well, it's not really that bad, all things considered."

Elliot stared at her. "You think it's not that bad?"

"Not really," Kim said. "It's not safe, but..."

"What is it," Casey asked apprehensively.

Kim looked straight at him. "It's when a guy comes in your ass, then goes down and sucks it out, and then kisses you so you swallow it."

Casey bit his lip. "*Oh*."

"That's not felching," Elliot said.

"What are you talking about?" Kim said. "Of course that's felching."

"No, felching is when you put a cardboard tube in your ass and make a gerbil run in."

Kim rolled her eyes. "That's gerbil-stuffing."

"Gerbil-jamming," Elliot said.

"Stuffing!"

"It's *jamming*."

"Whoa!" Casey said, holding up his hands.

"No, it's called habitraling," Kim said.

Casey was stricken. "A poor, defenseless...?"

"It's called felching," Elliot said, "because it doesn't just cover gerbils; it includes hamsters, mice and fish."

"*Fish*?" Casey said.

Jeremy walked in.

"Jeremy, help me," Casey said. "Please. Scrub my brain with the rough brush."

Jeremy looked uncertainly between the three of them. "What's up?"

"Jeremy, will you please tell Elliot that felching does not involve gerbils?" Kim said.

Elliot opened his mouth.

"*Or* hamsters or mice or fish," she added.

"Actually, 'felching' has two definitions," Jeremy said. "One of them involves small live animals. The other one is just--"

"Nnn," Casey said. "We got the other one."

"They couldn't come up with another name?" Kim asked disdainfully.

Jeremy shrugged. "With sexual terminology, the definitions tend not to be...hard and fast."

Elliot smirked.

"For example," Jeremy said, "'fisting' most often means having a fist inserted in one of the...nether orifices."

"One of the what?" Kim laughed.

"But when some people say it, they just mean wrapping their fist around a..." He curled his hand and made the jerking-off motion.

Casey stared at him. "How do you know these things?"

"It's in the literature," Jeremy said.

"*God*," Casey said. "Gerbils." He gave himself a good shake, then quickly left the control room.

* * * *

A yelp was heard from Casey and Dan's office.

Casey appeared in the doorway and yelled across the newsroom, "I'm calling the Humane Society on you people!"

People started snickering.

"You are all *sick*!"

He spun on his heel and slammed the door, amidst cheers and applause.

* * * *

"You coming to Anthony's?" Dan said.

Casey sat down at the desk and let out a long breath. "I don't know."

"Casey, the show kicked ass tonight. Let's go celebrate."

Casey sat and quietly slid the desk drawer open and closed.

Dan sighed. "Do we need to talk about this?"

Casey grunted.

Dan sat down on the couch. "...So what'd you end up doing with the gerbil?"

"Will took it," Casey said.

Dan considered this. "Do you know what *he's* gonna do with it?"

Casey quirked half a smile. "I took out a 'don't ask, don't tell' policy on that one."

"Sure," Dan said.

"You know, I blame *you* for this."

"What?" Dan protested. "Casey, man, I would've told you if I was the one who did it. I would've rubbed it in your face."

"I'm not saying you did it," Casey said. "I'm saying it's the result of Natalie-fallout, and *that* is your fault."

"Aw, this had nothing to do with the sharing thing," Dan said. "It was just everybody taking the opportunity to make fun of your sexual naivete."

"Huh," Casey said. "Well, should I take it as a bad sign that people thought it would be funny to put a furry creature that's used for deviant sexual purposes in my drawers?"

"Well," Dan said. "I guess it would depend on which drawers you meant."

"Of course the *desk* drawers, Danny; don't make cheap jokes like that," Casey said. "It's unbecoming."

"I thought I heard you ask for it," Dan said. "I mean, you set it right up."

"Let me get this clear: I have never and will never ask for jokes like that."

"Okay," Dan said. "Anyway, it's a good sign. It means they accept you. No matter how deviant your sexual behaviors are."

"But I'm *not* deviant," Casey said. "I'm just gay."

"I know that, Casey," Dan said. "*They* know that. They just saw an opportunity for a practical joke and they took it. It's not like it's the first time you've found an animal in your desk."

"Yeah," Casey said. He stood up. "Okay, let's go to Anthony's."

"Yes," Dan said, standing up. "Oh, wait. Did Mark ever send that e-mail we were supposed to get?"

"Lemme check," Casey said, leaning over to turn on the computer.

The sound of tinny, cheerful music filled the room.

Casey cleared his throat. "Someone has set my homepage to www.hampsterdance.com."

"Yeah," Dan said. "I thought you might find it helpful in some way."

"That was very considerate of you," Casey said, staring at the screen. "You know they spelled 'hamster' wrong."

"Yeah," Dan said.

He nodded his head in time to the music. "So you ready to go?"

"I can't move," Casey said. "It's hypnotic."

Dan laughed and walked over to switch off the computer. "Come on."

* * * *

Dan was sitting across the table from Casey and Natalie. It was a tall table; they were all perched on stools. Natalie swung her feet back and forth.

"Okay, here's something I don't get," Dan said. "Natalie, do you enjoy giving blowjobs?"

"Yeah," Natalie said. "A *lot*."

"What is it with you people?" Dan said. "Why would you enjoy that?"

"The mouth and tongue have a lot of nerve endings," Natalie said. "You like giving head, don't you?"

"Yeah," Dan said, "but that's external in relation to my mouth."

"Well, why do people like smoking cigarettes?" Natalie asked.

"Because they're addicted to nicotine."

"Why do you suck on a pen while you're thinking of what to write?"

"I don't do that," Dan said.

Casey nodded. "Yeah, you do, Danny."

"I do?"

Casey nodded again. "It's a little distracting."

"Wait, that *distracts* you?"

"You've been distracting me for years with that pen thing."

"Why didn't you say something?" Dan asked.

Casey laughed. "What was I gonna say, 'Hey, Danny, that writing utensil so innocently lying between your lips is giving me filthy thoughts about your mouth'?"

"Shit," Dan said. He shook his head. "Okay, oral fixations are one thing. But I don't get...how do you *do* it?"

"You've seen it done," Natalie said. "You just do it."

"Right," Dan said. "But that whole...deep-throating thing..."

"It's easy," Natalie said. "You just keep swallowing."

She took Dan's hand, pulled his index finger into her mouth, and sucked it into her throat. She raised her eyebrows as if to say, "See?"

Jeremy walked up with their fourth round of drinks. He looked at Dan's hand and at Natalie's mouth. "I think I missed something while I was at the bar," he said.

Natalie let Dan's hand go.

"Yeah," Casey said. "We were just telling Dan how easy it is to deep-throat." He took Jeremy's finger and swallowed.

Jeremy thoughtfully removed his finger from Casey's mouth and wiped it on a napkin. "Hm," he said.

Dan was sticking his finger down his own throat and gagging. He gave up. "See? I can't do that," he said to Jeremy. "Can you do that?"

"I don't know," Jeremy said, taking the seat next to Dan. "What's more, I don't care to."

"Sweetie, did you get my coconut pina colada?" Natalie asked.

"Yeah," Jeremy said. "But I'm starting to think you really don't need it at this point."

"Hand over my coconut pina colada, mister."

Jeremy did. "You know that all pina coladas have coconut in them, right?"

"Screw redundancy," Natalie said. "I like the rhythm of it."

"Okay," Jeremy said.

"That whole other side of the table baffles me, Jeremy," Dan said.

Jeremy nodded, taking a long drink of beer. "Yeah."

* * * *

Most of the people at Anthony's had left, including Jeremy and Natalie. Casey and Dan nursed their beers.

"Can I ask you another question?" Dan said.

"Yep," Casey said.

"Well, it's sexual," Dan said.

Casey laughed. "You know, I really don't think we've got anything left to be taboo, Dan."

"All right," Dan said. "That thing with the...anal sex."

"Yes," Casey said.

"Wait, 'anal sex' sounds so stupid. Can I call it 'buggering'?"

"Whatever makes you comfortable."

Dan made a face. "That sounds stupid too. Okay, I have a question."

"Yes," Casey said.

"Doesn't it ever get...messy?"

"Well," Casey said.

Dan raised his eyebrows.

"There was this guy, Duke York."

"He was named Duke York?" Dan said. "His last name was York and his parents *gave* him the name Duke?"

"No, his nickname was Duke."

"Okay," Dan said. "That makes sense, then."

Casey waited a beat. "His given name was Earl."

Dan laughed. "Jesus, that's just as bad."

"Yeah, he was a good sport about it, though," Casey said. "Anyway, he had a really big, I mean *huge*, dick."

"Like how huge are you talking about?" Dan said.

"It was as thick as my forearm," Casey said.

Dan's eyes widened.

"Yeah, I know," Casey said. "Anyway, we were having sex--"

"Didn't that *hurt*?" Dan asked.

"Kind of," Casey said. "It was overwhelming at times. But it felt good."

"Dude," Dan said.

"So anyway, we're enjoying ourselves, and suddenly..."

"Shit happens?" Dan said.

"Right," Casey said. "And it was very embarrassing. But at the same time I'm thinking, 'Thank God this happened at his place and not mine. I'm not gonna have to clean up.'"

"You didn't offer to help him?" Dan said.

"Well, I was about to," Casey said. "But he kind of seemed to...enjoy it. So I took a really fast shower and skedaddled."

"Gross, man," Dan said.

"Yeah," Casey allowed.

"I ask," Dan said, "because the *one* time I had anal sex with a girl, back in college, there was this whole...mess, and it *did* happen at my place, and I had to buy a new set of sheets, and I had to explain to my roommate why the whole room smelled like this nasty garden-bouquet air freshener."

"What happened to the girl?"

"I never saw her again," Dan said. "Which was weird, because she was in one of my classes."

"Huh," Casey said.

"I think she dropped the course just to avoid me," Dan said.

Casey snickered. "You know that doesn't always happen, right? I mean, it might be worth trying again. Some women like it, and it's pretty fun."

"I don't know," Dan said. "What do you do to avoid that, do you give yourself enemas or something?"

"No, that's not necessary," Casey said. "I mean, some people are into that, but..." He shrugged. "If you use the bathroom ahead of time, it's fine."

Dan smirked. "Wait a minute, I'm trying to picture this. You're in the middle of foreplay, it's getting hot and heavy, and you break away to say all sexy-like, 'Excuse me; I gotta go take a dump'?"

"I usually say, 'I'm going to go get ready,'" Casey said with dignity.

Dan laughed. "Okay."

* * * *

Dan got them a couple more beers.

"Last call, guys," Jack said.

Dan nodded. "Thanks, Jack."

He climbed back onto his stool.

He took a long swallow. "You know, Casey, it's not true that I never touched you."

Casey looked at him. "You mean with the..."

"The blowjob thing," Dan said.

"You, ah, *didn't* touch me," Casey said.

"I kissed you," Dan said.

"That's true," Casey said. "But did it turn you on?"

"What do you mean, did it turn me on?" Dan said. "I enjoyed it."

"Right," Casey said. "Kissing is an enjoyable activity. That doesn't mean it got your motor running."

"I was turned on when you were sucking me," Dan said.

Casey rolled his eyes. "Danny, everyone gets turned on when he's getting a blowjob. It doesn't matter who's doing it to him."

"Well..." Dan fiddled with his coaster. "I was thinking I might like to try giving a blowjob."

"Really," Casey said.

"Yeah, I could like it."

"You really want to put someone's penis in your mouth and suck it until he ejaculates."

"Well, jeez, Casey, not when you say it all clinical like that."

"I'm sorry," Casey said. "You want some guy to push his dick into your throat, really fucking your mouth, while you pant through your nose and then lick his cock all over--there, your lip curled."

"It did not," Dan said, smoothing his hand over his mouth.

"Yeah, it did," Casey said. "It curled in disgust."

"No," Dan said. "It's just weird hearing you talk dirty."

"I'll give you that," Casey said. "I feel weird about it too. But despite that, did it turn you on at all?"

"Um," Dan said.

"It turned me on a little," Casey said.

"Really?" Dan said.

Casey nodded. "Does it turn you on to know that *I'm* turned on?"

Dan tilted his head and raised his shoulders. "It's interesting..."

"See, Danny, what that means is, you're not attracted to me."

"Casey, I'm telling you I'd like to try this," Dan said. "Why won't you let me?"

"Danny, all it's going to be for you is an experiment, and it'll mean more to me than that, and that's not fair."

"Well, that's what you did to me," Dan said. "You said it wasn't going to mean anything, and then it turned into this--"

"Exactly, Dan," Casey said. "Let's learn from our past mistakes; what do you think?"

"I really wasn't disgusted, Casey. It's just the novelty. The first time I heard that someday I'd be able to eat a girl out, I thought it was gross. And now I love it."

"Yeah, Dan, but back when you first heard about it, when you were thirteen--"

"Eight," Dan said.

Casey paused and pursed his lips. He shook his head. "Okay, eight. When you first heard about that, you probably also learned about going down on a guy."

"So what," Dan said.

"So..." Casey said. "It's not novel. You've had time to get used to the idea. If it was at all appealing to you, it would have occurred to you by now."

"Casey, come on."

"If you really want to give a blowjob, Danny, you should have no trouble picking someone up."

"But I don't want to do it to anyone else," Dan said.

Casey nodded. "That's because you're straight."

"How do we know that for sure?" Dan said.

Casey smiled and rolled his eyes.

"Do you want me to call you guys a cab?" Jack called.

"Yeah, thanks," Casey called back.

"You wanna share a ride with me?" Dan asked.

"Nah," Casey said. "I'll get my own."

* * * *

Dan had taken off his shoes. He padded over to the little refrigerator and took out a couple of beers. "Well, my friend," he said, handing one of the bottles to Casey on the couch, "another stellar show. Fox should just cancel themselves now before they get hurt."

"Hell," Casey said, twisting off the cap, "*ESPN* had better be sleeping with one eye open."

"That's what I'm sayin'," Dan said, settling into the armchair.

He thoughtfully scratched the top of his right foot with the toes of his left. He blew air over the hole of the bottle. "I'm a foghorn," he whispered.

Casey took a long drink.

"You know, these pantyhose really itch," Dan said. "I don't know how women do it."

Casey had his shoes off too. He wiggled his toes in their sheer black encasement. "Well, they don't have the hair issue."

"Yeah, well, I don't get how women put up with shaving their legs all the time," Dan said. "I'm annoyed with just having to shave my facial hair."

"Please continue to do so, though, Danny," Casey said.

"What, I think a goatee would look--"

"It would look stupid," Casey said.

Dan shook his head. "Man, I can't believe Natalie stole back my manhood like that."

"Yeah," Casey said, "I'm surprised you folded so quickly."

"It was a valiant stand," Dan maintained. He pointed at Casey. "Really, it was for your protection. That retaliation shield wasn't working out so good."

"Sure, Danny," Casey said.

"Well, the show's over," Dan said, standing up and setting his beer on the table. "I'm takin' 'em off."

Casey watched with mild interest.

Dan dropped his trousers and started peeling off the hose.

"You put them on over your boxers?" Casey asked.

"Of course," Dan said. "You didn't?"

"No," Casey said. "It seemed like it would be too bulky."

"Ew," Dan said. "You leave your pants on."

"That was my plan," Casey said.

Dan stepped out of the pants puddled around his ankles, yanked the hose off his feet, then stood in his shirt and boxers, holding the pantyhose in one hand.

Sally stuck her head in the office.

"Hey," she said after a pause.

"Hi," Casey said.

"I heard you're gay now," she said.

"Yeah," Casey said.

"Well, good luck with that," she said. "Okay, I'll just--"

"Casey and I aren't doing anything," Dan said.

"Oh, I can tell," Sally said.

"I was just taking off my pantyhose," Dan said.

Sally nodded. "Right." She backed out of the doorway, closing the door behind her.

Casey looked at Dan and laughed.

Dan turned to look at the pantyhose dangling from his fist.

"I'm gonna tie these in a bow and put them on Natalie's desk," he said.

"That's a capital idea," Casey said.

Dan put his pants back on.

He sat down and started fiddling with the hose, trying to figure out how to get them in a bow. "So did you talk to Lisa?"

Casey sighed. "Yeah."

"How'd that fly?" Dan said, still concentrating on the pantyhose.

"She was actually good about it," Casey said. "She's not really the uber-bitch we've all painted her out to be."

Dan looked up. "She never treated you well, Casey."

"Yeah," Casey said. "But I didn't treat her well either. She always felt like she was coming in third after you and Dana, and she pretty much was. And I think she blamed herself for that, and I think I tacitly encouraged her to."

"C'mon, Casey, don't try to convince me that Lisa is a reasonable person."

"She was reasonable, though," Casey said. "She'd known for so long that she couldn't make me happy, and I think she was glad to find out it wasn't her fault."

"Still, Casey, when I think of some of the things she said to you--"

"Yeah, but for every one of those, there was something I was keeping from her," Casey said. "Besides, she's a really good parent."

"Okay," Dan said. "Speaking of which--what happened with Charlie?"

Casey groaned and sank back into the cushions. He sat back up and looked at Dan. "He thinks he might be gay."

Dan blinked. "Oh."

"Yeah," Casey said.

"That would certainly explain why he's been more nervous lately," Dan said.

"How is he supposed to know at that age that he's gay?" Casey said.

"Well, how did you figure out you were gay?"

"I pretty much had to come to terms with it when confronted with my explicit sexual fantasies about men," Casey said. "Charlie's too young for that."

Dan raised his eyebrows. "He *is* in sixth grade, Casey. I thought about sex a *lot* in sixth grade. I mean, not altogether accurately, but...yeah, lots of thoughts."

"Really?" Casey said.

"Yeah, don't you remember being in sixth grade?"

Casey waved his hand. "That whole childhood thing is a blur."

"Casey, a lot of girls in sixth grade have steady boyfriends and give them blowjobs."

Casey's eyes widened. "I definitely don't remember *that* from sixth grade."

"No, it's something the new generation is doing," Dan said. "They equate fellatio with kissing. I read an article about it."

"That's terrible," Casey said.

"Yeah," Dan said.

"Shit," Casey said. "Apparently, he and this kid from his volcano group have feelings for each other."

"He told you that?"

"Yeah, he said they held hands at the last school assembly."

"Well--" Dan started.

"He's slept over at this kid's house, Danny!"

"Yeah, but if holding hands is a big deal for them, then there's really nothing to--"

"You just said kids their age were blowing each other!"

"I didn't mean Charlie, though," Dan said.

Casey sighed. "I'm thinking I should just get a restraining order against this Dante kid; I don't know anything about his parents--I mean, first of all who names their kid *Dante*?"

"The Culpeppers," Dan said. "The Bichettes. The Alighieris."

Casey held up a hand. "All right, fine. What am I supposed to do about this burgeoning romance? The reason we said it was okay for Charlie to sleep over at the houses of kids of the same sex was because we assumed he wouldn't get up to anything with kids of the same sex."

"Tell him what's acceptable behavior for someone his age and that you expect him to act accordingly."

Casey made a face. "I am very sure that I don't want to have that conversation."

"You said you told him that sex is natural and--"

"I didn't mean it was natural for *Charlie* to have sex!"

Dan snickered.

Casey shook his head. "Yeah, yeah; I knew I was going to have to have that talk with Charlie eventually. But I thought I had about five more years on it."

"They grow up so quickly, don't they," Dan said.

Casey scratched his jaw thoughtfully. "I don't know why I didn't--He's got a couple of *Nsync posters up on his wall."

"Yeah..." Dan said. "That should have been a tip-off right there. There aren't a lot of heterosexual boys who would include that in their bedroom decor."

"I just--" Casey sighed. "I'm worried that I made him gay."

"What?"

"Well, you know, I tell him I'm gay, so to get my approval, he wants to be more like me--"

"Casey," Dan said. "Charlie's at the age where he doesn't want to be anything like his parents."

"I guess," Casey said. "But still, I've been *influencing* him all this time, and maybe it is genetic--"

"Casey, man, you don't assume the reason Charlie quit Little League is because you suck at baseball, do you?"

"I do not suck at baseball," Casey said.

"Casey, you can't hit. Your bat and the ball--there's no affinity there."

"I have a full understanding of the intricate strategies of the game."

"I know," Dan said. "But you never get to first."

"I do too," Casey said. "When I get walked. I have a good eye."

"You do at that," Dan said. "But what I'm saying is, Charlie's his own person. Besides, what's wrong with his being gay?"

"Nothing," Casey said. He shrugged. "I just want him to...have a normal life."

"Whoa, wait a minute," Dan said.

"No, look, Dan, I know that being gay is normal," Casey said. "But lots of people think it isn't, and I suddenly find I don't know how secure my job is anymore, and I can't imagine what it would have been like to go through high school with people knowing I was gay, and Charlie's going to have to size up the environment before he's allowed to be affectionate with someone in public--"

"Charlie will have some tougher things to deal with than other kids; that's true," Dan said. "But most kids have to handle *something* that makes them different from everyone else, and Charlie's lucky because he's going to have your support, and...Lisa's too, right?"

"I'm sure," Casey said. "Charlie asked me to tell her in a couple of days. I'm sure she'll be good about it."

"There you go," Dan said.

"But it's not just the social problems; it's personal too. Who's Charlie going to be with when he grows up?"

Dan shrugged. "Dante, maybe."

"Seriously," Casey said. "It's not easy to find someone. I mean, I meet some guy and I don't just have to worry about how my dick measures up next to his, I have to study his physique, because all these guys are buffed up, and wonder how many reps he does, and I don't know if they're tripping or rolling or whatever--"

"Casey. Calm down," Dan said. "These are the guys you pick up at, what, clubs, right?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

"Are you aware that the people there represent only a subset of the gay population?" Dan said. "If you want a 'normal' relationship, you can find one; it just won't be there."

Casey sighed. "Yeah, but it's so easy there. You just brush up against someone while you're walking past him, and if he turns around, he's yours for the night."

Dan clinked his beer bottle against his teeth. "I'm sure you know that you can't usually equate 'easy' with 'good relationship.' In fact, they're often inversely proportional."

"I know, but..." Casey started. "The majority of people not at those clubs are straight. And my gaydar seems to be non-operational. I didn't know Thomas was gay till he put his tongue in my mouth. Christ, I didn't even pick up on the fact that my son is--"

"You must have some instinct," Dan said. "You know that Jerome is gay, right?"

"Jerome?" Casey said.

"*Jerome*," Dan said. "Hockey Jerome."

"Oh, *Jerome*," Casey said. "He's gay?"

"Yeah," Dan said. "Realize he's got a boyfriend, though, before you start dragging him off to any supply closets."

"I wasn't going to--" Casey said. "Anyway, that's my point. I completely missed Jerome's gay vibes."

"Hm," Dan said. "You know that Truman Capote was gay, right?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

"Rupert Everett?"

"Who's that?" Casey asked.

"Never mind," Dan said. "Elton John?"

"Yeah," Casey said.

"See, you've got it," Dan said.

"That doesn't count," Casey said. "Give me another one."

"Well..." Dan thought. "What about Kim?"

"What about her?"

"She's bi," Dan said.

"*What*?" Casey said.

"Yeah," Dan said. "I think she's more straight than gay, but, yeah, definitely bi."

"Okay, again, completely missed this."

"To be fair, I didn't figure it out on my own, either," Dan said.

"What, Natalie told you?"

"No," Dan said. "All right. I'm at this party. And I see this curvaceous woman standing in the corner, sipping her drink with these gorgeous, full lips. And every once in a while her tongue darts out to lick the corner of her mouth. And I don't know what ethnicity she is, but her skin is the most beautiful shade."

"Was she wearing nice shoes?" Casey asked.

Dan paused. "They were Kenneth Coles, if you must know."

"Should that mean something to me?"

"Yes," Dan said. "Anyway, I'm running my fingers through my hair, getting ready to approach her, when *Kim* shows up, takes the drink out of her hand, and starts making out with her."

"Wow," Casey said. "Did she know you were there?"

"I'm sure of it," Dan said. "What's more, I'm convinced that she knew I wanted this girl and purposely went after her before I could."

"Really," Casey said.

"Kim has a bit of a mean streak," Dan said.

"She's always nice to me," Casey said.

"That's because you're a suck-up," Dan said.

"I think it's because I never thought she was my secretary," Casey said.

"Well, shit, Casey, what was I supposed to think? She was always bringing me phone messages."

"Did you notice how she sat in run-down meetings and made editorial decisions?"

Dan gave that a moment. "I thought she was a very *good* secretary."

Casey laughed.

"Okay, so my point is proven," Casey said. "I can't tell who's gay and therefore who's eligible."

"But you have to put yourself out there. You have to take some risks."

Casey sounded resigned. "I don't even know where to *find* someone--"

"Hey, you could always go out with someone from work," Dan said, gesturing to himself with his bottle. "Huh? Huh?"

Casey smiled. "Thomas doesn't want a relationship."

"I wasn't talking about Thomas," Dan said.

"I know," Casey said.

"Just think about it," Dan said.

* * * *

They'd been quiet for a while.

"I'm finding I don't mind the pantyhose so much," Casey said.

"What are you talking about?"

"It's kind of nice having something right against the skin. It's like I'm a superhero."

"That's nonsense," Dan said. "That wasn't my experience at all."

"Well, that's because you had your boxers on underneath. Whereas I--"

"Stop it!" Dan said. "Do you think before you start speaking? Don't you know how you're perverting my thoughts?"

"Yeah," Casey smiled.

"So." Dan cleared his throat. "You've had some time to think about it."

"Danny--"

"Look, you do think about me--in a sexual way, I mean--right?"

"Dan," Casey said. "It's not fair for you to ask me something like that. It makes me completely vulnerable, and you just get to sit over there."

"I'm vulnerable too," Dan said. "I mean, you could completely shoot me down."

"All right, let's even this up," Casey said. "Tell me which people *you* think about."

"Not in a Jennifer-Lopez kind of way, right, but a people-we-know kind of way?"

"Right," Casey said.

"Well," Dan said. "Kim. Obviously."

"Okay," Casey said.

"And sometimes Natalie, which I feel kind of dirty about, because she's so perky, but she has that whole Catholic schoolgirl thing going on that usually presages--"

"Gotcha," Casey said.

"And because she and Jeremy are always feeling each other up, I'm sometimes forced to think about her and Jeremy, which is..." Dan made a face.

"Yeah, I've found myself in that position," Casey said.

"And there's Sara," Dan said.

"Sarah who's been working in the control room or Sara who's always holding a bagel?"

"Bagel Sara," Dan said.

"I don't get her," Casey said. "She's pretty thin, yet she's always holding a bagel."

Dan shrugged. "She doesn't necessarily eat the bagels. It could be the same bagel every day, for all we know."

"Well, why don't you find out?" Casey said. "Ask her out?"

"I want to figure out what she does here first," Dan said. "I wouldn't want to mistake her for a secretary or anything."

Casey laughed.

"You like her shoes?" he asked.

"Would you shut up with that?" Dan said.

Casey shrugged.

"Yes, she has nice shoes," Dan said. "All right, now we're even."

"All right," Casey said. "I do think about you."

"There we are, then," Dan said. "Why can't we..." he gestured between the two of them, "have a relationship?"

"We do have a relationship," Casey said. "We work together *all* day, and we're really very good friends."

"I mean an intimate relationship," Dan said.

"I don't know, Danny: bagels, shoes, buggery... I don't know that it gets more intimate than that."

"An intimate, romantic, sexual relationship," Dan said.

"Danny, all the people you think about are women," Casey said.

"Yeah, but I can make an exception--"

"Dan, you can't be heterosexual and then decide you're...'Caseysexual.' There's no such thing."

"But people change from straight to gay all the time," Dan said. "Like soldiers, and prisoners."

"Yeah," Casey said, "and then the war's over or they get out of jail, and they're straight again."

"Casey--"

"And you know what, Dan? This is peacetime. We're free men. I'm *never* going to be enough for you."

"That's not true," Dan said. "You know me better than--"

"It's true; I do know you," Casey said. "That's what makes us such good friends. But Dan, I tried being straight for years, and it just didn't work. The same thing's gonna happen if you try to be gay."

Dan let out a breath and looked down at his feet. "I don't want to lose you."

"Aw, Danny--"

Dan held up his hand. "Okay, I meant that to sound a lot less like a seventh-grade girl."

Casey smiled. "Danny. Don't you think I worry about the same thing? At some point you're gonna meet some nice girl to settle down with--"

Dan snorted. "Yeah, right."

"No, you will," Casey said. "And I think it'll be sooner rather than later. But we'll still work together and be friends, and understand things about each other that no one else gets..."

"Yeah, but it's different with you," Dan said. "I meet this girl and we'll dance and have candlelit dinners and exchange meaningful gifts, and the two of us will still goof off and belch and try to yell at football coaches through the TV screen... But if *you* meet somebody, you'll do all the romantic stuff, but you also get to do all the guy stuff, so..."

"What will I need you for?" Casey asked.

"Kind of," Dan said. "But, again, less like--"

'A seventh-grade girl'," Casey chimed in. "Got it." He sighed. "Danny." He paused. "Are you looking at me?"

"Yeah," Dan said.

"Okay," Casey said. "I'm gonna need you because you're *you*. All right?"

"Yeah," Dan muttered.

"Besides, how do you know the girl you fall in love with won't like sports and beer?" Casey said. "Hell, she might even be able to play baseball."

Dan smiled, then sobered. "Casey, I really don't see why we can't at least *try*--"

"Danny, I know what you mean," Casey said. "I would love to have the kind of relationship you're talking about. But we have to be honest with ourselves. You can't change who you are just because you want to be with me." He paused. "It doesn't work that way."

Dan scratched the back of his neck, then nodded.

"Okay?" Casey said.

Dan nodded.

"Well, listen," Casey said. "Why don't we go back to my place and watch _Tin Cup_?"

"You still haven't seen it?" Dan said.

"No," Casey said.

"Well, we'd better do that, then," Dan said, bending over to put his shoes and socks on. "Wait."

"Yeah?" Casey said.

"Before we go anywhere, you're going to the restroom and divesting yourself of those sheer black undergarments."

"Of course," Casey said. "I was going to do that anyway. I don't really like the way they feel."

"Whatever floats your boat," Dan said.

"No, really--"

"Hurry up," Dan said. "I'll be by Natalie's desk."

* * * *

Dan had his booth at Anthony's. He had a good view of the bar. Casey had walked up to the bar, finding a place to stand next to a guy on a stool. As he moved closer to the bar, he briefly touched the guy's back, and flashed a smile in apology. Dan couldn't see the guy's reaction, but then Casey held up a couple of fingers, ordering two drinks. Dan smiled.

He turned his gaze back to the woman sitting across from him.

"So my name's spelled 'A-n-q-n-e,'" she was saying. "The 'q' is silent."

"Really?" Dan said. He reached out and touched her hand. "That's fascinating."

The End

* * * *

Notes: Kim's definition of felching is slightly inaccurate. Felching doesn't necessarily involve the mouth-to-mouth transfer of semen. The rest of it's true, though.

Hey, visit www.hampsterdance.com It's not gross. It's cute. Weird, but cute. It's just little animated hamsters dancing to that tune from the Disney Robin Hood cartoon.

I'm a feedback slut